Of Arrivals and Departures

Airports are fascinating

The people, the buzz, the retail, the bar and most importantly the emotions, there’s something about them that makes life beautiful.

My soul mate and I have spoken about it a few times, but it was not until yesterday that I realized a lot of stories have born and died there.

So the rendezvous with airports started while the Masters programme was at its fag end.

The picking up of parents and friends parents from the airport, the going away of friends, bidding them farewell teary eyed, those were some really strong emotions that added so much to the relationship. It almost seemed like those relationships were going to never end, it would either be at the arrival or the departure.

But gradually reality did hit. The flying in and out was infrequent, or the possibility to reach to catch a few last glimpses withered away. What remained were just the memories!

The boyfriend back then was in a long distance relationship, so the picking up or being picked up was the most exciting and the departure, most painful. When the relationship ended a part of that strong bond with airports died an untimely death, they were just an array of bitter emotions that would make me cringe.

But what followed to cleanse all of that was a random July night when I met someone who wasn’t arriving or departing, neither was I; we met at the airport because it was halfway for both of us and thus seemed logical. And then reverse psychology was infused on me. I am not complaining, inspite of bad food and very random conversation; it started a chapter of my life that healed me for good. It brought back the feeling of nostalgia and the longing for airports. 

What happens with everything in life is it kind of loses the spark because we take it for granted and we stop appreciating the nuances of the finer aspects. I thought I was too special to be trapped in that space but was proved wrong. The set pattern was killing me, the norms were choking me to death. Like a miracle an old friend shook me up. I took a flight to set myself right. Yet again I did not feel anything at the airport.

When I arrived back in town, shed the extras was the mantra and I have come almost 3/4^TH of the way. It feels good; it feels like I am the same person that I was. As if basking in that glory wasn’t enough that like a destruction from the stories of Old Testament I was swept off my feet. By who?  Surprisingly, by happiness. Consistently happy for a while ticks suspicion; I analyzed, hyper-analyzed, tried taking online tests only to realize that my happiness is my own being, infused by characters and circumstances but still my own.

There are things we do we thought we never will. Never say never. It was thrown back at me. But it doesn’t make me feel guilty, it has clarity, it has every miniscript on the table and most importantly it is a high that’s positive, good for health!

With all of this at the back of my mind, I rushed to the airport when a friend who was taking connecting flights said he has about an hour to chill. It was like an adrenaline rush; The meeting was short and sweet, with a couple of pani puris and sev puris. It was almost like we wanted to stretch time. And then I bumped into another friend, not that I don’t meet him often but it seemed like we were meeting after a long time, and like every story we caught up on life and musings. Midst the catching up a child and father were waiting at the lounge for mother to show up. These are times when the airport fulfills you! The child super excited goes and hugs the mother. The mother who looked tired beamed with joy.

We paid our bills, and with the hope that time stops and we can catch up forever, we started walking towards home.

I got on to the auto, smiled to myself and mumbled, love is sometimes an accident but falling in love with the airport all over again with new stories definitely is to be cherished till the devil strikes.

Winter is Coming!

So I did draft things about the yearend trip to start the year ahead; about the things that changed the face of the world in 2013, about where is the country headed in the coming general elections, the upcoming artistes of 2014, about Koffee with Karan, about shows on Star World Premiere…however they were not met with the extreme emotion of happiness, sadness, or anything in between, and thus they lie as drafts.

This March I turned 31, the whole bit about being on the other side of 30 just made me feel, blahh there can’t be anymore drama unless its in exotic locations and encounters with the wild.

I was wrong. The real life mediocre drama, the mundane type has currently inflicted my space.To the extent that unabashedly I am just counting days for it to get over before I get down to my basics and create mega episodes of that drama, back to back!

I still can’t believe that with my upbringing, education and exposure I still have to face situations that are so menial; as of now the core component of the story is not rotten, but for how long only time can tell. And since I have already been through this when I was a child in a seven year freaking long experiment with the human mind and body, my guess is as good as my gut.

My learning is one should have absolutely no consideration about a certain kind of deceased, because it’s a kind of deceased who can plan and care and create an array of storm out of nothing.

Call me judicious, call me rude and almost have the impudence to say “ahh you are not part of the decision, coz you are not family”, very well madam,thank god I have one family, and thank god I am not part of anyone else’s.

It’s difficult to find people who really believe in something rather than say it for cool quotient, and this time I am not going to go with the pretentious.

Until next time (which I hope is not in a long time) my last thoughts are – Winter is coming, so lets be thankful that we have enough blankets 

Friday evening outcry

Once upon a time when I did think I could change the world, and took keen interest in National and International politics, there were severe issues that were too complicated for us to do something immediately. But we were people who did their little bit to try and make changes that could make a positive impact.

With time I away, and life overall became cynical. I refused to be marred with depressing news from all over the world, kept to Delhi Times/Bombay Times; liked my intellectual dose of  Hindu and Economist and Guardian and CNN to keep myself socially relevant….until today!

The Delhi gangrape reports made me squirm. The capital of the country, the victim, the perpetrators, it all seemed delusional. Not that cases like this did not happen in every other town, every other day but this was hard hitting….maybe because of the sheer descriptive aspect of it.

This incident was after many years of Rang-De-Basanti, and over time the young India has found a voice. It was using the social media tools for almost everything. People were being arrested for Facebook posts, and criminals were being identified through that etc.

Relevance I don’t know if was being questioned.

After Kasab’s death penalty, (the time death was being celebrated) every platform of media was choker blocked with opinions, 85 percent, safely was formed out of (as Economic Times rightly called it) “Half Knowledge”. (And maybe I was one of them!) But once I decided to be the ghost observer of what happens in this space, I realized our governance is today also influenced by social media.

And today the death penalty of the perpetrators has garnered so many likes and retweets that shares that it does bring out a severe lack of logical and judicial maturity. At this point one can expect a huge dissent. But honestly the background of these four men is like lakhs of people around us. Maybe he is the man who washes your car, fixes your household equipments, does your odd job.

The little of my understanding of the death penalty  is that it sets the precedence for the other, it forms the basis of doctrine of deterrence, the idea of deterrence is meaningless if the sentence cannot be passed on. This is where the strange intersecting point arises-the singularity and the repentance.

Unfortunately what happened in the court of law today is the fallacy of feeding the ego and hysteric outcry of the herd. From the time of Kasab, the public opinion has tasted blood, yet again the Indian judiciary fed the “collective conscience” . My question to that collective conscience is “Will that really deter criminals or rapists”?

So what exactly did we send out as a message today after the verdict, that you will be hanged until death?

Strictly personal opinions are (convoluted and can be seen as outcry of despair)–

1      Perpetrators should also kill their victims, lest they are caught and punished with death

2.       The country does not need to ensure a safer environment but satisfy the outcry of mass media

3.       The country does not need to address the issue of sexual repression and the taboo around    sex

4.       Education of men and women together from the onset of socialization is definitely not in the cards because all men can be rapists and all women can be provocative

5.       The country is fine to wear blinkers in cases of medical malpractices or abuse behind closed  doors and those cases can continue for years

6.       Corruption and malpractice by the rich and influential is not as severe as the Delhi gangrape

7.       Rarest of the rare is ok to become a norm because it satiates the public demand before elections

Grey Day

This is the perfect Thursday morning maybe.
I look to my right and through the glass a rain drenched Mumbai skyline gives you that mixed feeling where you cant pinpoint what you exactly feel.

You try to keep the thoughts away of how other people are insensitive to the extent that you wish to run away at the blink of an eyelid. On the other hand you hear Jonty Rhodes on radio and feel excited. The idea of running in the rain is becoming more exciting by the day.
Cappuccino Dusk is taking an addictive turn.

Then all you truly want to imbibe is -

In the end only three things matter -
How much you loved
How gently you lived
And How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you
- Buddha 

Shake it Stir It Whirl Up a Cuppa Coffee

What happened to life?
It used to be fairly eventful, good events....like if I had to list them

1. Stress at work
2. Juggling multiple social engagements
3. Sneaking out of town for small holidays
4. Fighting with boyfriends
5. Trying to get a grip on what I am doing in life
6. Disagreements with parents
7. And still managing a few sms es and giggles with friends

In the last few years the grey has become too black, events are non events but they weigh a lot more.
The day before a shoot, I went with a friend  on a recce. The Bandra Fort looked beautiful, it started raining, it felt like the good old Bombay rains in which you want to sing and dance. I was still basking in that glory when ego and its ugly head popped up. And that took an unexpected turn. I stuck my guns out and said hey you know what, I am done babysitting! I have resolved it as an adult but not as a person or as a friend.

It probably goes back when after years of struggle you let go of one thing that was dear, and then you think you can lose everything and life still goes on, you could be out of work, you could be out of money, you could be out of friends, you could be out of relationships, but you will still survive, become stronger and say, so whats next. (Maybe this part I got from Mommy)

I miss the fear, the pain.
Its just gets anxious when you read about other peoples stories which are made in jest.
It gets tiring when one simple statement made with simplicity is made to become a huge hole of nothingness or that one random conversation that leads to unseen stress!

What happened to life when all I wanted was a cottage and a cafe in the hills post my 40s?
Do I wait a decade more anticipating it will come, just a decade away?

Beating Bad

Its only getting stranger by the day.
He says its age, I think its cynicism getting the better off us.
And then you suddenly find joy, in a packed pristine white box...a new phone, and a touchscreen.
So all the discontent with a inexperienced supervisor at work, a friend who is turning senile, and the general eternal question of what am I doing with life now has a new meaning!
The challenge of using a smartphone.

And I am almost feeling like a meth-addict (since thats the new fad) when I remotely try to tell myself, its not mediocre life!

AHH! Not complaining, SMARTY-AND-PHONE here I come

Blaze of Glory

Saw the sun setting today morning, and before it did the blaze of hot air, could perhaps kill.

Honestly, wish it did.

Those hours when the pretension to switch off from the real world begins, is becoming more difficult to live with. Alice is not finding new doors and escape reality, and the times she does, she does not meet Mad Hatter. There’s so much history, blurred. But the learning from it in the current affairs is more difficult to live with.

The howls for hours are deafening. The silent never ending dialogues, monologues and cacaphony corrodes through the heart, turning every part of the system to ashes.

The need to escape, and hide from double standards, from meaninglessness of existence becomes more and more relevant.

It takes me back to one of the very few things that left an indelible impression in college, the sociological monograph of Durkheim. But till, date couldn’t figure the selfish or altruistic nature of it. What if that’s not redemption.

It’s giving up nonetheless. And Alice never gave up, she always had her wonderland. 

But what if afterlife is the wonderland?

Wet Earth

Where does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there's time, the Bastard Time.

- John Stienbeck

Sanctifi-cation

So this thing in retrospect still seems funny!

Sometimes I truly believe I have no sense of humor except the self tantalizing thing! That pediatrician woman did one thing really well, make me doubt my unknown role very well.

It started many years ago when I thought being a single mother was cool, a few mishaps later, and after decades I realized living with my own self is an ordeal.  Till that point living with someone seemed to be an impossible idea.

Then call it convenience of metro lifestyle, the live in happened, only to add another plethora of   complicated stuff.  With time one does become immune to a lot of things, only to realize you can be numb but you are not painless.

So this 30^th birthday has been rather hectic, settling in with new (old) living – non living. When I had just settled into that, parents arrived.  Whether one admits or doesn’t, you tend to take your parents for granted.  Retired lazy Bong father and almost turning saint superactive mother is a strange combination.  The idea here was to ensure the roleplay of perfect daughter! Did not succeed. I am guessing mothers don’t let you succeed here. But it was good to give them a tour of my life!  Little had parents gone, and the long staying house guest packed up, the other mother announced arrival. 

There went my head and heart for a neverending run. The amount of hyper analyzing I could do was beyond belief. All of how terrible I was with some basic things came back to me. I spent the day cooking, drinking and thinking. And almost dying as the moment came close.

The magic moment happened, and seemed so freaking easy.

Questions straight up, and answers after many years was as clear as it gets, that was respected, and not judged.

And after these two visits seems I have been able to attain the next stage of self actualization, and that too with familial sanction

The one Eyed “Disturbance “

A little edgy, thus ,this luxury of blogging in the middle of the day.

Remember The Holiday, and how Jude Law played NapkinHead to his kids, currently I look a cheap version of that, the sty in the eye woman! As if this wasn’t enough when I woke up to the BB alarm and while switching it off, sneaked in to read the message.

Gosh, the human race, and specific to this kind, the urban, “well educated”, “have it all” but “don’t know what to do with spare time” so lets go drink and bitch about everyone but not call each other “disturbed” on our faces; lets  do that behind back and then deny it kind.  And to top it all, make rash comments and let aggression do the talking.

I am not saying its rare, but I have somehow never survived them for long.  In old times I would somehow drift, but now I despise them to the extent that I can just say “f off “ and walk away.  The sticky bit is when it involves “I don’t want it to perish” item also on the platter.  Honestly I am hoping nonchalance to take over.

But with the trend that one has heard of, and seen, rather recently, it’s a strange kind.

They make a very big deal about who they are, what they wear, and where they are seen. That’s completely understandable; a lot of people around (and sometimes me) are like that. But this recent kind are always so full of what others are, what others are wearing, what are they doing, or hanging with!  And sometimes this “others “ are their friends and on the other extreme, people they are meeting for the first time.

I haven’t met people who have almost no sense of self respect or respect for the other.  Between their friends they would bring one another down to lows that I have not been able to fathom.  

Well one person who knows the judgmental bitch I am, rightly says, no one’s perfect, and one can’t be holier than thou because all of us have those dirty linen tucked somewhere or the other . Just ensure you don’t become a social nuisance!  Takes me back to my wild times, men whose names I don’t remember, places whose address I can never figure the next time, my bucket list of embarrassing things are almost full. But it “disturbs” me to realize that through those “disturbing” times, being juvenile didn’t mean “disturbing”  other people because I had a “disturbed” telescope through which I was looking at life.

So before I sign off, since the film The Holiday triggered it off, my favourite dialogue that Kate Winslet says 

" You are supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for Gods sake",  play your part, let everyone figure their own

A Catty Memo

So,

Just because you are handsome

(Read MOST GOOD LOOKING)

Just because you like your space

(READ DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT)

Just because you keep to yourself

(READ ARROGANT)

And just because you are most adorable

(READ SPOILT)

Doesn’t fucking mean you can have your way in and out

(READ YOU ARE GROUNDED) 

1 Nibbling Evening

Restless

Over the mundane

A few proses to be written

A few thoughts to be undone

And one hammering  thing to be decoded

Words, spoken, tire you

Wish could read the thinking

Travelling at a speed

Which I can catch

Beneath the never ending laughter

And bunch of exceptional antics

Someday

Maybe while you are sleeping

I will read you

Cover to cover 

Obituary 2

Dear Red Hood

I was looking for
Getaways
from remnants
of Lost Love

I found you
midst the wonder
of online flea market

The brown ol hag
paved way by the matte red
Became the home of
All things plastic
paper
and metal

Red Hood
we were inseparable
Until that Sunday evening
when the devil
caused our seperation

In a few days
Still in mourning
you were replaced
with orange green and several other hues

But I can never replace
the spirit you brought
Dear Red Hood
my little miss muffet
Rest in peace, wherever you are

(RED KARA WALLET AUG 2012 FEB 2013) 

COLOURED PAPER AND TECHNOLOGY

She was sure, the stars werent right!
But in the cities, you cant even see them, so how can the stars be upset and go all over the place?

Perhaps like everyone else they also have a mind of their own!

Nothing helps! That twitch in the heart is too annoyingly there! Stagnant and Stoic
Only to realize the loss of living and non living things have the same impact. (Good or Bad...debatable)

In the last three months, there were three obituaries waiting to be written and since she decided to put an end to losses, one because inflation is hitting everyone and two, she really needs a mind to not be absent,

here it is....
Obituary 1 
the little black book

Rest in Peace my little black book.
I will miss you
And the faint white light you adorned my corner with

A lot of memories you stored
Putting a numeric like 700 GB is just not enough
Of the numerous series, scribbles, seasons, sketches, supers
That warmth will always be missed

Little Black Book
You were the farewell from the capitol
Perhaps it was time to
Really say goodbye
My little Black book

(WESTERN DIGITAL 1 TB HDD - 17TH APRIL 2011 TO DEC 2012)
 

MARCH ENDINGS

After some time, when you are already walking towards being senile, and at the same time come in terms with the fact that you are cynical, life should not throw such water balloons at you.

Its not fair because Holi became synonymous to a loss that can never be recovered

Because the sunrise and the sunset is missed because you are caught in some invisible cage

Because when the sea is so close by, u still would stick to the sitcom when you feel like crying out loud

Because the cat you loved and owned was never yours

Because you find 150 characters always so less in idea, but so much in reality

Because Sunday doesn’t mean doing nothing

Because love is lost and revenge is the new avenge

Because space is not a concept to breathe but to get choked with

Because that speck of dust on the window pane has cleared up, only to pave way to nothing

Because Calvin doesn’t inspire you to press the “last minute panic” button and go and rip it, you just procrastinate further

Because you hyper-analyze about every small thing and the nerves cringe

Because the world around is strange or you are just turning more cynical and blaming it on the world.

A DAY BEFORE 3 DECADES

Finally this is bliss

Damn I will be 30 in a day….hows the feeling?

A little worthless, a glass of wine at this hour and getting ready to hit it.

I am amused how I contradict myself….

To be calling it bliss and worthless at the same time.

The mental space is screwed, for existential reasons. The bliss is being able to sit in (my) our own done up study which is near to perfect and write!! Does take care of the screwed part a little.

So looking back, an eventful meaninglessly meaningful three decades.

The current quest is to find a new avenue.

The present bit of satiation will come from fixing internet, buying two pair of shoes, ordering 1 pair online and cooking some thai green curry.

Shall get there soon.

As of now lets explore this infinite mess!

In love with the Artiste

This was hovering in my mind for a few months, since Promax. This was the first one in India that I attended. Well three years and first one….most of them had a surprised look, but when in Delhi there were more important people to be sent.

It was a great experience, and helped me to declutter, like what the hell it is to complain about systems and processes, let’s turn on to the creative process, meeting Rob Middleton and Justin Cone was the best of it all. And Petes Café….the wonder of the different kind of work happening all over.  Its not mundane, its different….and one of my favourite things, keep doing some thing constantly.

And then I met an old colleague who’s been around for a while. Even that felt good, the fresh perspective always helps and how veterans still are enthused with a lot of passion. And the negativity also goes out of the way. So therefore the story takes a different turn.

Someone told me long time ago, if there’s pain, do things you like and it will be different, not conventional, then that pain can create wonders! It’s about time maybe.

To start off with, let’s not romantize with the artiste within. It’s difficult to come in terms with the odd, not pleasant side of an artiste, a creator. The problem within me became clearer, trying to merge the regular and the non regular worlds. That man was very quirky, but his percentage of the regular world took a better of him. I just wish the love for the quirky bit doesn’t die. But there is no point being judgmental about the artist. That might end up clouding the verdict about what they create, thus being unjustified about the piece of art. Well, I can’t hate the art, because the artist in his/her persona evokes not positive emotions. All the abuses I think are manifestations of the whirlwind of emotions.

The conflict thus reaches the next layer. So is the emotional or the physical trauma inflicted on the other party, here partner, is that justified? Do we artistes get a levy, as Andy Warhol says art is what you can get away with. The trigger point personally that helped me to get over the never ending unhappiness was the trauma of the abuse. After all these months I am thinking objectively. Did I also somewhere inflict emotional abuse of any sort? No….not even at the cost of my creations being compromised on. And that’s why it was important to breakout. I was compromising on my art, not that I have achieved anything except what my profession entails me to. But I was losing the quest. I had stopped getting enthralled at the world of creations. I had stopped looking out for inspiration, I was getting stale.

Coming back to the layer, being twisted, defying norms is one thing, but what my observation tells  me is that we are at a point of transition. As independent creators and also as a race, we cannot figure what is it that puts our mind at rest. It takes a lot of self awareness and training to rise above the obvious. There is beauty in everything we say and see. But what happens to it when reality takes over. Why do we lose track of the basics?  What happens to true art, of the intricacy of creation, the turbulence of trial and error? It is a personal journey, often lonely, then why do we end up making the memory of creating that piece of art so painful for the other person, who is trying to support us through the quest? If we only pain ourselves why is it not enough? That means the whole expression of being liberated as an artiste is just to sound cool. We have not really evolved to be by ourselves and the creation.

The realization and the experience helped me for one thing, I have stopped expecting and looking for  artistic inspiration from the “significant other”. Its as personal as it gets between the creator and the created. If we both love each other, being in love with the artiste will be as romantic and thrilling as I always envisioned it to be. The times that are rough in the pathway to create, you will always have like minded artistes or experiential personas who will walk that patch with you. Art is personal, art is a reflection of my inner self, it cant be abusive to others in any way. Yes for those of us we do some form of commercial creation, we never raise our voices against commoditization of our sensibilities. We know it’s a cruel world and we despise it. Why then bring out the cruelty onto people who mean something to us, to the extent that we could walk miles with them.

From the time we write the first letter, to draw the first line, to splash the first stroke, creation is beautiful and constructive. Lets not use that to hide our own devils.

I don’t know if I will succeed. As of now its the Sunday tea and breakfast spread and being honest to what I create each day.

Salt Pepper and Crowded Lanes

I am alone,but not alone enough
I am terribly lonely but loneliness doesn't befriend me
I don't understand the politics of relationships
And the relationship of convenience
The economics of care makes no sense
Neither the geography of silence
The history is too heavy to carry,but too hard to let go
Abused in every little ways,every day
I fool myself with a mind of my own

I am homeless
But cant turn and scream at the heartless dog
I am lying to myself and crushing something like respect they say
I am pretending every smile
I have nowhere to go, while an open world ticket lies on the desk
Nowhere do I have a shoulder to rest on
Coz I always am on the go
I am urban, educated, apparently independent woman
But I live in the anticipation of the darkest hour
Midst millions of faces
I often find teary eyes
And I am waiting for someone to trigger the gun

I am alone
But I am not alone enough

Swinging between Planets

It feels like living the life of an alien. Swinging between planets.
It makes no sense to me how and why the already complex things need to be layered?
And why do I have not been able to keep my cool!
Just yesterday and till the afternoon today I was happy as a wild flower and then came in memories and then trouble with folks....

Need the holiday
Till then,Saturday Nite time....a midnight in paris kinda film with some fresh fruity cocktail or maybe wine!

Before the blues set in

So, I am in the next 30 mins going to wash clothes....
Didnt do the complaince training, was just toooo bored even thinking of it.
I did manage to do the opening of the wound and will dress it after I take a shower...sunday,I am allowed to not be clean....but the best part is....I broke the kitchen jinx and went out there....hash omlette and then the chinese sausage nonsense....with vodka.

It did hit me back a little again when Dadai called to say hello and then Dad called,but guess gradually I need to put myself back together. So the more I acknowledge, the better it will be.
For starters....Whatever you think,think the opposite is helping and planing the Goa trip in August.

And a little overwhelmed by these two friends I found in this stint.....it feels I was here all my life.
Stoney conversations,lazy afternoons and random musings.
For the rest, the mind travelled a little off the ground.
I thought of Ray a few times today and smirked at myself,I was just stupid to think of it as something meaningful.....I have cried there too, so what was the difference...not the men but what I was looking for in them. I guess a friend said it right, for some men its difficult to handle these women who are just so clear about somethings and so smoky about most of the others.

As of now, Bandra Boy saying...Move in, so that we can cook good bong food or just waking up to say...Abhish,my love...the question mark was gone today,brings a smile.
For the rest of the story, lets go with the flow.

And I said I would come back in the evening which is what I did.
So lets tick the rest off the list then...What say?