Something that was left as a draft way back in 2009...left it like tht,couldn't remember state of affairs,though the state hasn't changed too much,except that I am writing :)
Whenever someone asks me what I think he should do with his life, I always say, First, leave home. Get out there, where if you care to listen, you will find many other people dreaming of making connections and changing the world, just like you. The only mistake is in thinking that you will make an important difference in the lives of the people you're among. The profound difference will be in you.
I read this and it seemed the question I was pondering with is headed somewhere.
I try and do care to listen, I don't have a home for a while now, and after I thought I knew a little about who and what I am,they said intensity was a problem,emotions are a problem,and to top it all,the buck has turned to me.
I don't care about losing anything anymore, atleast conceptually.
I need to think more, a lot more than I do, and yes get so deep into the thought that I can't find myself anymore.
The sky last night was way too dark. The bright stars also seemed afraid to shine,but it still wanted to be seen,wanted to be somebody....
Sometimes I can scream my lungs at pretentions,but then as I take that one step back and think, I feel like a coward.
I want to do what I want to do. I mean go bagpack,hike across continents,live anywhere,love everything.....not think about money.
But the rebel seems to be dying a death,quicker than I thought and I feel perturbed that I have not explored enough. I do not have the guts to do so.
Read madly,watch rentlessly,create a cinema paradiso everytime with anything around.
I don't want this state of existence, where measurement is a way of life.....
Saw Kate,she inspired me.
Theres so much to do and I am not doing it....blaming it on things that I despise.
Just being an escapist.
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Thursday, April 02, 2009
When I was thinking.....
Have been thinking a lot
The patterns of thought have different textures and feel
As much I am getting illusive about human beings,my headspace is getting crammed by them. I dont want to talk or even listen to blabbers.
It sickens me,makes me feel stagnated to the extent I only crib and cry.
Even then it does not feel great,its like waiting for a getaway.
And then it happened.
Finding the dark side of the moon, nooo,not Floyd,jus like that
And then the inability to hide my disjointedness
And then the inability to disassociate
I wonder where will it all take me.....
Maybe to a deserted hill top, find a quaint cottage,and smoke up and read n write
and think not to come up with something,but generally think like that.
This colleague of mine said the other day - our economy is emotional.
Wish he writes on that, there was spark in the phrase!
Till then lemme mull over all the funny things I do for a living.
The patterns of thought have different textures and feel
As much I am getting illusive about human beings,my headspace is getting crammed by them. I dont want to talk or even listen to blabbers.
It sickens me,makes me feel stagnated to the extent I only crib and cry.
Even then it does not feel great,its like waiting for a getaway.
And then it happened.
Finding the dark side of the moon, nooo,not Floyd,jus like that
And then the inability to hide my disjointedness
And then the inability to disassociate
I wonder where will it all take me.....
Maybe to a deserted hill top, find a quaint cottage,and smoke up and read n write
and think not to come up with something,but generally think like that.
This colleague of mine said the other day - our economy is emotional.
Wish he writes on that, there was spark in the phrase!
Till then lemme mull over all the funny things I do for a living.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Snippets of the Senses.
It all started one day when I was coming back from some part of remote Kolkata and as we drove our way asking people about direction there was this strange phenomenon I chanced upon that never found space enroute the travelogue.
When I ask somebody about something (mostly directions), I make assumptions about the person. It can be either marked as judgemental or as intuition. Like when I am not sure about the destination I am looking for a ride where I know the other person-the cabbie, or the auto guy knows the way…..it is mostly a right hit and at crucial times I also get into the trap of people whose sense of direction is as whopped as mine.
It is just a reading of the person’s face and is quite an interesting exercise. And a lot of times it is quite fun because they not only lead you to the wrong lane or bylane but they also confidently tell you about every other road apart from the one you are looking for. On the sunny side the right direction comes to my way bang on when I am least expecting it. I was wondering what do I call it…..the phenomenon of understanding whether people know directions to my destination by looking at their face when I myself do not have any clue of that direction. Face reading would be undermining it, largely inappropriate. May be when I manage to finish reading all vocabulary books I would have an idea. But till date it has been an interesting venture, something that I have enjoyed thoroughly, and at times it has also led me spend a few extra bucks.
That was the sensation of vision.
From there let me narrate the immense sense of smell which has never been more emancipating.
Went to Olypub the other day and the smell of alcohol, smoke and the ambience of the space made me feel ‘wooaaahhooo, this is what life is all about’. And I could not believe that as my companion ended up on beef steak and beer I chanced on Nimbu pani! Now that’s THE example of self control. So I love Oly irrespective of alcohol. That same day I watched Die Hard, and the best description is that exaggeration becomes entertaining. As I was drawing parallels with it and the illogical Bollywood films (ignore the generalization) the film partner described it as “ultralogical”. And ultralogical is also the word for explaining the fact that even when we do have all the answers heading to doomsday the attraction is very severe. As I have had these series of conversations with a friend trying to draw the logic that certain emotional investments do not lead us anywhere I ended up having reduced parallels. Difficult to explain, but ya….ultralogical. But somewhere from the series of experiences I have come to believe trusting people is a highly risk-taking venture! We all have our set of beliefs and equations and that definitely means acceptance, denial, feeling great and feeling not so great. And as my convenient self would want to prove it I would do anything that anyone asks me to do as long as it is done my way! The conclusion therefore is Power is at the epicentre of relationships! This can lead to a series of debates and give birth to several theorems and several more to prove/un-prove them.
And then old ties were renewed and what was funny was after a prolonged absence of seven years it seemed very easy to have been back to being known strangers. I guess it cannot be like die hard friends again, and that is too much to expect maybe. There was a birth of some regrets but the naval fragrance had travelled a very long way, maybe for better, hope not for worse. Often in the madness of life this was the first time in a long time I wished I had paused, taken a deep breathe and waited to hear myself. And ya it was not strong enough for any one of us to have stood up for all that we shared. Strange thing called colors of life. And it was not such a nice feeling to know that I could hurt someone too with all my might. But then let bygones be bygones. Lets see if the new roads can be walked together. But at the same time I realized that with some friends who have seen you grow, there is a comfort level beyond explanation. It was like sitting with a book on a rainy afternoon, and the happiness lies in the fact that no matter how ever much you feel it is an old tattered book, the content, the familiarity and the bitter-sweet memories are the elements of inane attraction.
Chennai was another experience, of a level beyond comprehension to my own self. The self destructive phenomenon was at its peak and I felt uncomfortable about the wreck that I had turned myself into. There is soooooo much that I have to do, but the deadening enthusiasm or the killer procrastination had taken a complete toll. Nothing helped. It is not even that the enthusiasm s all back and life is hunky dory but it is not the wreck…..it is the silent vegetative state. Certain realizations definitely have kept me at an ease; For the Nth time I feel the romantic angle in life is miserable. Gawd how so well I know a settled romance thing is not my forte; everything else can change but the core ; ) and I cannot even say it with any conviction, one never knows what turn emotions would take.
The nicer thing was Soulmediam8 is back to Mumbai and suddenly she seems to be closer by, almost like she was; like every first time. I know things would change for her and with each time life will be different but the fact of solace in thoughts would remain intact with a few good men and women is probably the almost extinct feeling of certainty. The other grand feeling was to hear Fukcr’s voice after succchhhh a long time, like I had never felt such an upheaval of affection for him.
Midst all of this mayhem Dumbhead provides me with a lot of solace. The nicest thing about him is the sense of determination that he is filled with and I get a sense of certainty from him. Ya as Jyo’s post said about the end point, with Dumbhead you know there is no end. Thanks to the almighty for one conviction where I do not see uncertainty. I miss all the times when we could just not say a word, hug each other and walk through lanes of being opaque. Missing you…..and whatever…..
People definitely can be a source of anecdotes and at the same time there are often times when the same people completely make you feel wish you hadn’t known the human kind. We all are very mundane and clichéd, beyond a point nobody has variety and everybody is stagnating-ly annoying. In my quest to find the constantly interesting and engaging persona, I end up getting disappointed about the human kind, and I lead the clan. A dead vegetation, getting caught in silly nonsense of men fighting over women, adults not knowing what are priorities, and people endlessly whiling away their time over a never-ending whole of nothing. At one level over the weekend as I was happy to see friends reuniting, on the other hand I could see the inane desire of the actors to get back to the old rut. How very shady was the feeling to know of friends who lack sense of direction. But as my dear comrades would say, we live one life and we do not know the value of each second; so if we do not know what we are losing out on….just another experiential loss. You can help someone with the direction to the treasure during the hunt, you cannot get the treasure for someone else. And I refuse to do it from the August Axis!
As I am a self proclaimed contradictory persona therefore I would come back to the aspect of people again. Old friends….My anchor for life accompanied with the man in black n white was here, its probably very very easy to just slide down time and become kids again. The whole day I just laughed, without reason, and pain, in the evening things that I would never have done in the present day ‘image’ I sat and did that….talked nonsense without thoughts or fears of being mis-read! I guess we can do that in two circumstances. When you are in the company of friends who have seen you cry because you were not selected as the sports team captain or with strangers who know too little about you.
The strange thing about the nonsense was birth of a coloured love story – The orange-green story with a known stranger!!!!!
I need to now go and finish that lovestory that will be sometime be treated as a masterpiece in the history of innovation.
P.S - Was TRYING really hard to get a common link to this piece but still have not succeeded much….too many incoherent thoughts and probably makes no sense at large.
When I ask somebody about something (mostly directions), I make assumptions about the person. It can be either marked as judgemental or as intuition. Like when I am not sure about the destination I am looking for a ride where I know the other person-the cabbie, or the auto guy knows the way…..it is mostly a right hit and at crucial times I also get into the trap of people whose sense of direction is as whopped as mine.
It is just a reading of the person’s face and is quite an interesting exercise. And a lot of times it is quite fun because they not only lead you to the wrong lane or bylane but they also confidently tell you about every other road apart from the one you are looking for. On the sunny side the right direction comes to my way bang on when I am least expecting it. I was wondering what do I call it…..the phenomenon of understanding whether people know directions to my destination by looking at their face when I myself do not have any clue of that direction. Face reading would be undermining it, largely inappropriate. May be when I manage to finish reading all vocabulary books I would have an idea. But till date it has been an interesting venture, something that I have enjoyed thoroughly, and at times it has also led me spend a few extra bucks.
That was the sensation of vision.
From there let me narrate the immense sense of smell which has never been more emancipating.
Went to Olypub the other day and the smell of alcohol, smoke and the ambience of the space made me feel ‘wooaaahhooo, this is what life is all about’. And I could not believe that as my companion ended up on beef steak and beer I chanced on Nimbu pani! Now that’s THE example of self control. So I love Oly irrespective of alcohol. That same day I watched Die Hard, and the best description is that exaggeration becomes entertaining. As I was drawing parallels with it and the illogical Bollywood films (ignore the generalization) the film partner described it as “ultralogical”. And ultralogical is also the word for explaining the fact that even when we do have all the answers heading to doomsday the attraction is very severe. As I have had these series of conversations with a friend trying to draw the logic that certain emotional investments do not lead us anywhere I ended up having reduced parallels. Difficult to explain, but ya….ultralogical. But somewhere from the series of experiences I have come to believe trusting people is a highly risk-taking venture! We all have our set of beliefs and equations and that definitely means acceptance, denial, feeling great and feeling not so great. And as my convenient self would want to prove it I would do anything that anyone asks me to do as long as it is done my way! The conclusion therefore is Power is at the epicentre of relationships! This can lead to a series of debates and give birth to several theorems and several more to prove/un-prove them.
And then old ties were renewed and what was funny was after a prolonged absence of seven years it seemed very easy to have been back to being known strangers. I guess it cannot be like die hard friends again, and that is too much to expect maybe. There was a birth of some regrets but the naval fragrance had travelled a very long way, maybe for better, hope not for worse. Often in the madness of life this was the first time in a long time I wished I had paused, taken a deep breathe and waited to hear myself. And ya it was not strong enough for any one of us to have stood up for all that we shared. Strange thing called colors of life. And it was not such a nice feeling to know that I could hurt someone too with all my might. But then let bygones be bygones. Lets see if the new roads can be walked together. But at the same time I realized that with some friends who have seen you grow, there is a comfort level beyond explanation. It was like sitting with a book on a rainy afternoon, and the happiness lies in the fact that no matter how ever much you feel it is an old tattered book, the content, the familiarity and the bitter-sweet memories are the elements of inane attraction.
Chennai was another experience, of a level beyond comprehension to my own self. The self destructive phenomenon was at its peak and I felt uncomfortable about the wreck that I had turned myself into. There is soooooo much that I have to do, but the deadening enthusiasm or the killer procrastination had taken a complete toll. Nothing helped. It is not even that the enthusiasm s all back and life is hunky dory but it is not the wreck…..it is the silent vegetative state. Certain realizations definitely have kept me at an ease; For the Nth time I feel the romantic angle in life is miserable. Gawd how so well I know a settled romance thing is not my forte; everything else can change but the core ; ) and I cannot even say it with any conviction, one never knows what turn emotions would take.
The nicer thing was Soulmediam8 is back to Mumbai and suddenly she seems to be closer by, almost like she was; like every first time. I know things would change for her and with each time life will be different but the fact of solace in thoughts would remain intact with a few good men and women is probably the almost extinct feeling of certainty. The other grand feeling was to hear Fukcr’s voice after succchhhh a long time, like I had never felt such an upheaval of affection for him.
Midst all of this mayhem Dumbhead provides me with a lot of solace. The nicest thing about him is the sense of determination that he is filled with and I get a sense of certainty from him. Ya as Jyo’s post said about the end point, with Dumbhead you know there is no end. Thanks to the almighty for one conviction where I do not see uncertainty. I miss all the times when we could just not say a word, hug each other and walk through lanes of being opaque. Missing you…..and whatever…..
People definitely can be a source of anecdotes and at the same time there are often times when the same people completely make you feel wish you hadn’t known the human kind. We all are very mundane and clichéd, beyond a point nobody has variety and everybody is stagnating-ly annoying. In my quest to find the constantly interesting and engaging persona, I end up getting disappointed about the human kind, and I lead the clan. A dead vegetation, getting caught in silly nonsense of men fighting over women, adults not knowing what are priorities, and people endlessly whiling away their time over a never-ending whole of nothing. At one level over the weekend as I was happy to see friends reuniting, on the other hand I could see the inane desire of the actors to get back to the old rut. How very shady was the feeling to know of friends who lack sense of direction. But as my dear comrades would say, we live one life and we do not know the value of each second; so if we do not know what we are losing out on….just another experiential loss. You can help someone with the direction to the treasure during the hunt, you cannot get the treasure for someone else. And I refuse to do it from the August Axis!
As I am a self proclaimed contradictory persona therefore I would come back to the aspect of people again. Old friends….My anchor for life accompanied with the man in black n white was here, its probably very very easy to just slide down time and become kids again. The whole day I just laughed, without reason, and pain, in the evening things that I would never have done in the present day ‘image’ I sat and did that….talked nonsense without thoughts or fears of being mis-read! I guess we can do that in two circumstances. When you are in the company of friends who have seen you cry because you were not selected as the sports team captain or with strangers who know too little about you.
The strange thing about the nonsense was birth of a coloured love story – The orange-green story with a known stranger!!!!!
I need to now go and finish that lovestory that will be sometime be treated as a masterpiece in the history of innovation.
P.S - Was TRYING really hard to get a common link to this piece but still have not succeeded much….too many incoherent thoughts and probably makes no sense at large.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)