Friday evening outcry

Once upon a time when I did think I could change the world, and took keen interest in National and International politics, there were severe issues that were too complicated for us to do something immediately. But we were people who did their little bit to try and make changes that could make a positive impact.

With time I away, and life overall became cynical. I refused to be marred with depressing news from all over the world, kept to Delhi Times/Bombay Times; liked my intellectual dose of  Hindu and Economist and Guardian and CNN to keep myself socially relevant….until today!

The Delhi gangrape reports made me squirm. The capital of the country, the victim, the perpetrators, it all seemed delusional. Not that cases like this did not happen in every other town, every other day but this was hard hitting….maybe because of the sheer descriptive aspect of it.

This incident was after many years of Rang-De-Basanti, and over time the young India has found a voice. It was using the social media tools for almost everything. People were being arrested for Facebook posts, and criminals were being identified through that etc.

Relevance I don’t know if was being questioned.

After Kasab’s death penalty, (the time death was being celebrated) every platform of media was choker blocked with opinions, 85 percent, safely was formed out of (as Economic Times rightly called it) “Half Knowledge”. (And maybe I was one of them!) But once I decided to be the ghost observer of what happens in this space, I realized our governance is today also influenced by social media.

And today the death penalty of the perpetrators has garnered so many likes and retweets that shares that it does bring out a severe lack of logical and judicial maturity. At this point one can expect a huge dissent. But honestly the background of these four men is like lakhs of people around us. Maybe he is the man who washes your car, fixes your household equipments, does your odd job.

The little of my understanding of the death penalty  is that it sets the precedence for the other, it forms the basis of doctrine of deterrence, the idea of deterrence is meaningless if the sentence cannot be passed on. This is where the strange intersecting point arises-the singularity and the repentance.

Unfortunately what happened in the court of law today is the fallacy of feeding the ego and hysteric outcry of the herd. From the time of Kasab, the public opinion has tasted blood, yet again the Indian judiciary fed the “collective conscience” . My question to that collective conscience is “Will that really deter criminals or rapists”?

So what exactly did we send out as a message today after the verdict, that you will be hanged until death?

Strictly personal opinions are (convoluted and can be seen as outcry of despair)–

1      Perpetrators should also kill their victims, lest they are caught and punished with death

2.       The country does not need to ensure a safer environment but satisfy the outcry of mass media

3.       The country does not need to address the issue of sexual repression and the taboo around    sex

4.       Education of men and women together from the onset of socialization is definitely not in the cards because all men can be rapists and all women can be provocative

5.       The country is fine to wear blinkers in cases of medical malpractices or abuse behind closed  doors and those cases can continue for years

6.       Corruption and malpractice by the rich and influential is not as severe as the Delhi gangrape

7.       Rarest of the rare is ok to become a norm because it satiates the public demand before elections

Grey Day

This is the perfect Thursday morning maybe.
I look to my right and through the glass a rain drenched Mumbai skyline gives you that mixed feeling where you cant pinpoint what you exactly feel.

You try to keep the thoughts away of how other people are insensitive to the extent that you wish to run away at the blink of an eyelid. On the other hand you hear Jonty Rhodes on radio and feel excited. The idea of running in the rain is becoming more exciting by the day.
Cappuccino Dusk is taking an addictive turn.

Then all you truly want to imbibe is -

In the end only three things matter -
How much you loved
How gently you lived
And How gracefully you let go of things not meant for you
- Buddha 

Shake it Stir It Whirl Up a Cuppa Coffee

What happened to life?
It used to be fairly eventful, good events....like if I had to list them

1. Stress at work
2. Juggling multiple social engagements
3. Sneaking out of town for small holidays
4. Fighting with boyfriends
5. Trying to get a grip on what I am doing in life
6. Disagreements with parents
7. And still managing a few sms es and giggles with friends

In the last few years the grey has become too black, events are non events but they weigh a lot more.
The day before a shoot, I went with a friend  on a recce. The Bandra Fort looked beautiful, it started raining, it felt like the good old Bombay rains in which you want to sing and dance. I was still basking in that glory when ego and its ugly head popped up. And that took an unexpected turn. I stuck my guns out and said hey you know what, I am done babysitting! I have resolved it as an adult but not as a person or as a friend.

It probably goes back when after years of struggle you let go of one thing that was dear, and then you think you can lose everything and life still goes on, you could be out of work, you could be out of money, you could be out of friends, you could be out of relationships, but you will still survive, become stronger and say, so whats next. (Maybe this part I got from Mommy)

I miss the fear, the pain.
Its just gets anxious when you read about other peoples stories which are made in jest.
It gets tiring when one simple statement made with simplicity is made to become a huge hole of nothingness or that one random conversation that leads to unseen stress!

What happened to life when all I wanted was a cottage and a cafe in the hills post my 40s?
Do I wait a decade more anticipating it will come, just a decade away?

Beating Bad

Its only getting stranger by the day.
He says its age, I think its cynicism getting the better off us.
And then you suddenly find joy, in a packed pristine white box...a new phone, and a touchscreen.
So all the discontent with a inexperienced supervisor at work, a friend who is turning senile, and the general eternal question of what am I doing with life now has a new meaning!
The challenge of using a smartphone.

And I am almost feeling like a meth-addict (since thats the new fad) when I remotely try to tell myself, its not mediocre life!

AHH! Not complaining, SMARTY-AND-PHONE here I come

Blaze of Glory

Saw the sun setting today morning, and before it did the blaze of hot air, could perhaps kill.

Honestly, wish it did.

Those hours when the pretension to switch off from the real world begins, is becoming more difficult to live with. Alice is not finding new doors and escape reality, and the times she does, she does not meet Mad Hatter. There’s so much history, blurred. But the learning from it in the current affairs is more difficult to live with.

The howls for hours are deafening. The silent never ending dialogues, monologues and cacaphony corrodes through the heart, turning every part of the system to ashes.

The need to escape, and hide from double standards, from meaninglessness of existence becomes more and more relevant.

It takes me back to one of the very few things that left an indelible impression in college, the sociological monograph of Durkheim. But till, date couldn’t figure the selfish or altruistic nature of it. What if that’s not redemption.

It’s giving up nonetheless. And Alice never gave up, she always had her wonderland. 

But what if afterlife is the wonderland?

Wet Earth

Where does discontent start? You are warm enough, but you shiver. You are fed, yet hunger gnaws you. You have been loved, but your yearning wanders in new fields. And to prod all these there's time, the Bastard Time.

- John Stienbeck

Sanctifi-cation

So this thing in retrospect still seems funny!

Sometimes I truly believe I have no sense of humor except the self tantalizing thing! That pediatrician woman did one thing really well, make me doubt my unknown role very well.

It started many years ago when I thought being a single mother was cool, a few mishaps later, and after decades I realized living with my own self is an ordeal.  Till that point living with someone seemed to be an impossible idea.

Then call it convenience of metro lifestyle, the live in happened, only to add another plethora of   complicated stuff.  With time one does become immune to a lot of things, only to realize you can be numb but you are not painless.

So this 30^th birthday has been rather hectic, settling in with new (old) living – non living. When I had just settled into that, parents arrived.  Whether one admits or doesn’t, you tend to take your parents for granted.  Retired lazy Bong father and almost turning saint superactive mother is a strange combination.  The idea here was to ensure the roleplay of perfect daughter! Did not succeed. I am guessing mothers don’t let you succeed here. But it was good to give them a tour of my life!  Little had parents gone, and the long staying house guest packed up, the other mother announced arrival. 

There went my head and heart for a neverending run. The amount of hyper analyzing I could do was beyond belief. All of how terrible I was with some basic things came back to me. I spent the day cooking, drinking and thinking. And almost dying as the moment came close.

The magic moment happened, and seemed so freaking easy.

Questions straight up, and answers after many years was as clear as it gets, that was respected, and not judged.

And after these two visits seems I have been able to attain the next stage of self actualization, and that too with familial sanction

The one Eyed “Disturbance “

A little edgy, thus ,this luxury of blogging in the middle of the day.

Remember The Holiday, and how Jude Law played NapkinHead to his kids, currently I look a cheap version of that, the sty in the eye woman! As if this wasn’t enough when I woke up to the BB alarm and while switching it off, sneaked in to read the message.

Gosh, the human race, and specific to this kind, the urban, “well educated”, “have it all” but “don’t know what to do with spare time” so lets go drink and bitch about everyone but not call each other “disturbed” on our faces; lets  do that behind back and then deny it kind.  And to top it all, make rash comments and let aggression do the talking.

I am not saying its rare, but I have somehow never survived them for long.  In old times I would somehow drift, but now I despise them to the extent that I can just say “f off “ and walk away.  The sticky bit is when it involves “I don’t want it to perish” item also on the platter.  Honestly I am hoping nonchalance to take over.

But with the trend that one has heard of, and seen, rather recently, it’s a strange kind.

They make a very big deal about who they are, what they wear, and where they are seen. That’s completely understandable; a lot of people around (and sometimes me) are like that. But this recent kind are always so full of what others are, what others are wearing, what are they doing, or hanging with!  And sometimes this “others “ are their friends and on the other extreme, people they are meeting for the first time.

I haven’t met people who have almost no sense of self respect or respect for the other.  Between their friends they would bring one another down to lows that I have not been able to fathom.  

Well one person who knows the judgmental bitch I am, rightly says, no one’s perfect, and one can’t be holier than thou because all of us have those dirty linen tucked somewhere or the other . Just ensure you don’t become a social nuisance!  Takes me back to my wild times, men whose names I don’t remember, places whose address I can never figure the next time, my bucket list of embarrassing things are almost full. But it “disturbs” me to realize that through those “disturbing” times, being juvenile didn’t mean “disturbing”  other people because I had a “disturbed” telescope through which I was looking at life.

So before I sign off, since the film The Holiday triggered it off, my favourite dialogue that Kate Winslet says 

" You are supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for Gods sake",  play your part, let everyone figure their own

A Catty Memo

So,

Just because you are handsome

(Read MOST GOOD LOOKING)

Just because you like your space

(READ DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT)

Just because you keep to yourself

(READ ARROGANT)

And just because you are most adorable

(READ SPOILT)

Doesn’t fucking mean you can have your way in and out

(READ YOU ARE GROUNDED) 

1 Nibbling Evening

Restless

Over the mundane

A few proses to be written

A few thoughts to be undone

And one hammering  thing to be decoded

Words, spoken, tire you

Wish could read the thinking

Travelling at a speed

Which I can catch

Beneath the never ending laughter

And bunch of exceptional antics

Someday

Maybe while you are sleeping

I will read you

Cover to cover 

Obituary 2

Dear Red Hood

I was looking for
Getaways
from remnants
of Lost Love

I found you
midst the wonder
of online flea market

The brown ol hag
paved way by the matte red
Became the home of
All things plastic
paper
and metal

Red Hood
we were inseparable
Until that Sunday evening
when the devil
caused our seperation

In a few days
Still in mourning
you were replaced
with orange green and several other hues

But I can never replace
the spirit you brought
Dear Red Hood
my little miss muffet
Rest in peace, wherever you are

(RED KARA WALLET AUG 2012 FEB 2013) 

COLOURED PAPER AND TECHNOLOGY

She was sure, the stars werent right!
But in the cities, you cant even see them, so how can the stars be upset and go all over the place?

Perhaps like everyone else they also have a mind of their own!

Nothing helps! That twitch in the heart is too annoyingly there! Stagnant and Stoic
Only to realize the loss of living and non living things have the same impact. (Good or Bad...debatable)

In the last three months, there were three obituaries waiting to be written and since she decided to put an end to losses, one because inflation is hitting everyone and two, she really needs a mind to not be absent,

here it is....
Obituary 1 
the little black book

Rest in Peace my little black book.
I will miss you
And the faint white light you adorned my corner with

A lot of memories you stored
Putting a numeric like 700 GB is just not enough
Of the numerous series, scribbles, seasons, sketches, supers
That warmth will always be missed

Little Black Book
You were the farewell from the capitol
Perhaps it was time to
Really say goodbye
My little Black book

(WESTERN DIGITAL 1 TB HDD - 17TH APRIL 2011 TO DEC 2012)
 

MARCH ENDINGS

After some time, when you are already walking towards being senile, and at the same time come in terms with the fact that you are cynical, life should not throw such water balloons at you.

Its not fair because Holi became synonymous to a loss that can never be recovered

Because the sunrise and the sunset is missed because you are caught in some invisible cage

Because when the sea is so close by, u still would stick to the sitcom when you feel like crying out loud

Because the cat you loved and owned was never yours

Because you find 150 characters always so less in idea, but so much in reality

Because Sunday doesn’t mean doing nothing

Because love is lost and revenge is the new avenge

Because space is not a concept to breathe but to get choked with

Because that speck of dust on the window pane has cleared up, only to pave way to nothing

Because Calvin doesn’t inspire you to press the “last minute panic” button and go and rip it, you just procrastinate further

Because you hyper-analyze about every small thing and the nerves cringe

Because the world around is strange or you are just turning more cynical and blaming it on the world.

A DAY BEFORE 3 DECADES

Finally this is bliss

Damn I will be 30 in a day….hows the feeling?

A little worthless, a glass of wine at this hour and getting ready to hit it.

I am amused how I contradict myself….

To be calling it bliss and worthless at the same time.

The mental space is screwed, for existential reasons. The bliss is being able to sit in (my) our own done up study which is near to perfect and write!! Does take care of the screwed part a little.

So looking back, an eventful meaninglessly meaningful three decades.

The current quest is to find a new avenue.

The present bit of satiation will come from fixing internet, buying two pair of shoes, ordering 1 pair online and cooking some thai green curry.

Shall get there soon.

As of now lets explore this infinite mess!