a few Tears of Laughter

One Friday night that was and that will live forever and probably will never happen again. I woke up to all new me. As if the existence was manifested that metamorphosed my senses and redefined my being. I had experienced it once more but the senses were more matured and aesthetic. It lead on to believe in the story of never dying love stories.....and the bliss of sense of belonging. At one level as I celebrate the integration of souls and realism s on the other hand I am also scared to be broken.Somehow I feel liberation in shackles.....

FULL CIRCLE.....yet Again

How life takes a U-turn and u get back to where u started from, the Kolkata trip was very eventful, even before I took the flight….the scrutiny of my education, my independence and my intentions about one of my most beloved people was threatened. I don’t know how I came out but I am glad I could withstand the storm. Somewhere I agree it still has remnants but ya too little perhaps for a spirit like Life!
Going back to good old Kolkata has always been a pleasure. All said and done, the homecoming was as secure as it could get. Mom is always such a pleasure, every time the way she reignites the dampened enthusiasm and fills u with hope of confidence of a better tomorrow. Moonchai has grown up, new avenues opening up, new spirits and emotions. I figured I am very different with her. I am so protective and possessive about her that I can actually kill. It’s a different feeling and a good one too…..All I hope now is indomitable success for her!
Pujo was special, the changing priorities and friends and landscapes…..and suddenly how dear old Kolkata has become so important and a part of my existence. So much so that I made sure friends from Hyderabad also gets a lifeview of it.

Met some interesting people, The S factor in the LSE returned bohemian capitalized Socialist was rather a revelation. And also as much as discovering a lifelong friend in someone who came so close to make me open up, all thanks to Arup Bose. I am awed by his sensibilities…..and the fact that he is a man, his intricate understandings made me restore my faith even if the other two important men did let me down. I guess that is the reason that even if we lose faith life leads us to believe in all over again. Toxic Bachelor is lost in the wilderness of performing the balancing acts. But I truly pray that life never ever goes out of focus for him. Old school pals and their set of realities have also been so special, reinforced once again. I often feel guilty about Littlelight but the sad part is that he has given up on me, thanks to my fleeting existence.

Back to Mumbai was a different experience all together, change in paradigms maybe. And finally decided to give up on the buzz of business generation, was missing the edge of love, life and something that is driven with passion, thankfully things fell into place and I m on my way to build the new point of view. It was difficult, loyalties in question, hurt emotions, and all that surrounds the sentiments of the first job.
And at that juncture the lil princess tired in the highway came to good old Mumbai. A new innings for her as well, the big good old institution of marriage! Slightly insecure, about how things can change or will change with time and people. But on second thoughts how does it matter with distance for souls, they are beyond the obvious, they transcend boundaries!

There is the air of marriage all around. Really do not know How easy or Difficult is it to get there but at the same time it is a revelation, of responsibilities and being with someone through the mysteries of life….was wondering if it costs the loss of the wild, free spirit storming all over the sky….if it means my dreams of being a true bohemian will die an early death. But the best lesson and game in life is the balancing act, sometimes across mountains, sometimes in air….and to scale success it is important to climb a new peak everyday……will make sure that Life has new peaks and I climb every mountain with might.

13th October 2006,Mumbai,02:45 hrs

FaithFully Yours

Too many thoughts and I am trying hard to put them all in a sync. The Hidden pearl lost her being and she thinks it’s the end of the road for her. Faith is a very complex phenomenon, when and as I bask in the deep slumber of breaking the trust stones with her the so called judgemental, religiousity personified who otherwise never gave into the floating dreamscape of life seems to be more than real or came straight from one of characters of fairyland, who u feel secure to sleep with midst the uncertainties. The big man today seems like god(if there s someone like that). And I can’t fight for my existence infront of the larger than life entity. But it is rather human to be addicted and therefore biased and even if the lil princess kills someone,I cant stop loving her. Here I know she intended all good, it just was not the right tie and space. But life seems to be ticking because of the faith and I still have the faith in goodness of civilization.
And probably from the ills of addiction and our inane faith in life we reach certain phases where it surpasses the scarcity of basics. There was this woman sitting by the road near the Nizamabad post office in rugged clothes, the lines on her face culd count beyond her age. She was supposedly there to beg and earn her living.But lost in her world of oblivion, she was choosing from her old collection of betel leaves, cleaning them to make them retain the freshness. And finally she decided to consume one of the not so good ones. Addiction is rather strange and today I felt it also a drive to face and fight poverty and live as per the rules laid by addiction.
Could not put thoughts into sync….as usual but am wondering if love of life and faith can restore all equations, if faith in rules laid by irrational bouts can keep us prosperous all our lives. If offerings of ones self to another individual is ever possible for a rebellious thoughts; wish there was the option of UNDO in life where sex,lies and videotapes dissolved in the lightness of being.

21st Sept 2006
Nizamabad,Andhra
09.20 hrs.

SeNse and SeNsiBilities

Another note on maybe nothing and yet a lot of things. The other day at Ambedkar colony in Nizamabad I just chanced upon this girl, hardly 15 years old. I have always read about the blooming sexual sensations in a woman or a girl when she is turning into a woman. Personally, never have actually experienced it, considering the ‘Boys Don’t cry’ syndrome ruled my life.
Coming back to this girl, in her school uniform, wet unkempt hair she walks out of the lane, goes up the steps. The newly discovered rhythm in her body is very prominent. The language was subtle yet spoke volumes as she kept talking to someone.
Conscious of being watched she climbed down the stairs with accentuated movements. Her pushing forth of almost non-existent breasts twirled heads, the swinging of the hips made heads turn. The prominence of the curves over-ruled the senses of the passer-bys. I could not blame the curious eyes of the adolescent boys, I was myself attracted enough to get to writing all of this. And then she vanished altogether in the unknown lanes from where she appeared.
After a long time I realized that probably it takes lot more for a man to resist a woman. To my surprise I felt a little weird of having a woman’s body,and remembered all the times when I negated all the comments about being ‘sexy’ or ‘Hot’. It is an interesting insight can think or do think like a man and have come to know the exploits that a woman entails-even unconsciously.And probably to end with Quirk’s comments of ‘irresistible’ holds ground!
The bearings of being Bi-curious holds ground!

Nizamabad,Andhra
19TH Sept 2006
21.00 hrs.