A sudden call post my most sober birthday this year left me numb! I had no inhibitions about anything at large I guess till I let the news sink in. ‘I do not how it happened….I missed my periods, kinda had a hunch something was not right, aby, I am pregnant.’ With my limited knowledge and the sense of sanity the obvious thing was ‘what r u waiting for? Abort the child!’ No, I was not coming from the angle of single woman, unwed mother. As much as I knew her, she was too preoccupied sorting her own life midst various questions of transitions; so getting another life to live midst the smoky march mayhem was out of question. And the ever important question of the resources of raising the child….where is that coming from? Love, care etc. etc. I understood. But not the equation of buying baby food and getting the child a comfortable childhood that most of us have had was not in the mathematical purview.
She did not wait for these explanations, she just said, ‘I have to go for my sonography….will you come along?’ Immediate question ‘that’s ok but the Man ran away?’ The self proclaimed believer of ‘I am the captain of my soul’ replied ‘no…he is a man, and though he knows and is being there, its in me aby, the faceless life is a lil more than a week, it’s a concept but a man is created in a way that he will not understand’. Well at that moment I could intellectually debate the concept of fatherhood and its importance and the whole cycle of nine months where the woman is bestowed to bear another life and that probably made men so insecure and the cycle of oppression of women started, I decided to be there by her. We went for the sonography…. I did not know the progression of technology to that extent where a few weeks old life is also visible. All done and the date of 17th March fixed for the abortion, we returned to our nests.
Later I found out the guy had not called all day to find out how she was. He assumed he could come back home and check on her, he candidly said he just did not find time. I thought probably that is why men never have had a womb!
I cannot even imagine the concept of unprotected sex. On principle I am not comfortable reaching the stage where I have to abort baby who is a fall out of passions of youthful time; and but sometimes some things just are not ideal. She brought to the foresight the millions of questions. And I almost lived through it with her, what overrode everything else was the guilt and aspect that she never thought she would abort a baby because it was a result of lust! I kept wondering how would be the feeling to know that there is life breathing inside you that will take shape to be a complete human being. How it must feel to know you can and are procreating! Like a novice I could only tell her ‘remember our summer vacations, we used to spend the long afternoons trying to get the first poetry right, or the first painting picture perfect? And the numerous papers, ink, colours we wasted to get exactly our imagination right in reality? Maybe it is something like that….She looked into nowhere and said…’I wish I could enjoy procreation because motherhood as I have heard is an experience that is life changing’. For about a week we struggled to get emotions in place. At several points I felt as if the silent voice was within me and not outside me, she was laughing and tears rolled down, it was most precious tears, she would wake up in the middle of the night, stare at the sky talk hours about the conflicts and practical considerations. For her it was a silent killing of a concept, midst the madness this film buff continued saying ‘Ray had ET as the concept, Spilberg created it, the concept did not die aby’. ’Here the concept is just dying when it even does not know what a concept is!’ Often these interactions left me speechless and I vowed to use contraceptives. Its not about not trusting the man you are with, it is about the concept whose inevitable death under such circumstances would scar me for life!
17th March 2007, at 11.30 we reached the clinic. The concept of comfort had almost vanished for her because of some emergency her doctor had to rush back to Chennai. So it was just another doctor doing her work! The two brave souls were waiting outside when one young guy came with his partner, made her sit and said ‘this is the solution to your problem n my peace’. It shook us up but what the heck….an interesting life with new experiences none the less. Oh lest I have forgotten to mention both of us buddies are too good at acting super cool babes!
She entered the clinic….the process….that I don’t want to recall. It was as much as I wriggled in pain; and I know some of it will remain forever.
In the evening I had called her….she was stoned, it was over and she just said ‘aby, the funeral is over but they will never sentence me, they will ask me to live through it’.
She wrote to her guy….’I am sorry we lost our baby’.
I wondered does it affect men, how and if it does how do they cope with it? Is it as big a loss as it was for her?
Don’t get me wrong I am not drawing sex differentials! I am just curious.
And if there is any one of u wondering about the anonymous ‘she’,lets say she was as good as Calvin’s Hobbes, my alterego!
20th March 2007
23:37 hrs.
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