Was looking at old times through the myriad glasses, sometimes it takes forever to realize that life has another meaning if you get to write what you want to write, its like being in love with someone and everything else ceases to exist, its jus a walk in the rains where tears can hide but the clothes are dry and you have the warmth of the sky.
So life has been as usual a fanatic....it took the shape of a shapeless crystal throughout 2010.
Shapeless crystal was my discovery of the decade. But what remained consistent is the thought that no matter what, over time the moments u sit back in despair and think its the pits, something more crazy comes our way....life is actually a live event of 70 MM,where the team is the best in the world, where there is no boundaries of a script, screentime, budget or anything!
How does this happen still remains a question but ya it just does.
2010 ended with a life changing note, but it was bitter, ripped me of my soul, but gave me experiences that brought me closer to my dark sides, and thus took birth of pandoras box of secrets, and they will also maybe find their space through some printed musings.
2011 has just begun and my best friend, life ya, has been on a run, I find it quite difficult to keep pace with it, m growing old that ways,but someone random suggested, its all in the mind, like they say in Rang De Basanti - abhi sanson mein hai dum,abhi chalne de sitam. But the best part of it till now has been in a promo last week I figured my soul is still alive. Tunes still make sense to me....and the little pleasures of life still excite me, like sending the sunshine V day flowers, I did that to someone for the first time. The flowers all over Delhi felt very good.
I got my cam out last evening to capture some random moments, so the instinct tells me my instincts are coming back.
So everything put together, its back on the roads without a map
Just have to keep the spirit going
Have to check in here often now
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Thursday, April 02, 2009
When I was thinking.....
Have been thinking a lot
The patterns of thought have different textures and feel
As much I am getting illusive about human beings,my headspace is getting crammed by them. I dont want to talk or even listen to blabbers.
It sickens me,makes me feel stagnated to the extent I only crib and cry.
Even then it does not feel great,its like waiting for a getaway.
And then it happened.
Finding the dark side of the moon, nooo,not Floyd,jus like that
And then the inability to hide my disjointedness
And then the inability to disassociate
I wonder where will it all take me.....
Maybe to a deserted hill top, find a quaint cottage,and smoke up and read n write
and think not to come up with something,but generally think like that.
This colleague of mine said the other day - our economy is emotional.
Wish he writes on that, there was spark in the phrase!
Till then lemme mull over all the funny things I do for a living.
The patterns of thought have different textures and feel
As much I am getting illusive about human beings,my headspace is getting crammed by them. I dont want to talk or even listen to blabbers.
It sickens me,makes me feel stagnated to the extent I only crib and cry.
Even then it does not feel great,its like waiting for a getaway.
And then it happened.
Finding the dark side of the moon, nooo,not Floyd,jus like that
And then the inability to hide my disjointedness
And then the inability to disassociate
I wonder where will it all take me.....
Maybe to a deserted hill top, find a quaint cottage,and smoke up and read n write
and think not to come up with something,but generally think like that.
This colleague of mine said the other day - our economy is emotional.
Wish he writes on that, there was spark in the phrase!
Till then lemme mull over all the funny things I do for a living.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Disconnected Journey with Kari
I do not know where you came from
You seemed to be my dying angel
Unreal reality you appear to be
You brought out my fears alive
Kari, do you live in me?
I know you did once upon a time
And then I lost you in the crowd of life
But somewhere deep inside you create the ripples of lonesome delight
My memory of the absentee other is deep embedded
But the images of the same are getting blurred
Tell me Kari, is it really a race towards death where you fight to be the first?
My cityscape had tall buildings, and bunch of bright lights when I lived there last
Since then every time I crawled to go back, I realized I have not reached far.
Home that is, was or will be the place that I will never look for solace,
I love my free fall,
The maximum city has also altered since I left
But its still has my secrets safe inside
Unseen faces, a sip of the poisonous kiss
Unseen eyes, a peek into the barren hearth
Most often there are logical beginnings, ends and consolidations
To my relationships, be with people, spaces, moments or words
But often I wonder what if somebody gave me the constitution without the preamble?
These are not my words, if they discover they will say its yours
But Kari they were hidden in my heart
Till you graphized them on several other minds
In between the smoky, stingy lanes
I played with pretty boys till the other side said, space is not alive
The rains make me happy and sad
They set me free and chain me down
Coherent words loses itself midst the gusty wind
Never knew if there were laws in love
Was it ever love if it was not free? Time and incidents as you say, just comes by…
I am half baked in the half cooked truth
That nobody would ever own me
Since the time I have wrenched my umbilical cord
I loved silence but sometimes homosapiens analyze it
And my over analytical self gets moving into the trespasser forbidden zone
Of Foucault’s psychoanalysis and interpretation of dreams
Where often known souls become strangers, which tells me every morning of the time for which I think I need to prepare.
At twenty one I knew my teen celeb dream was dead
Five years later I see I do not have awards or creations invaluable to my name
I walk up stairs, see glitzy dreams, and churn severe ambitions but nowhere it leads
Me to the a destination where I can smile and fall from a cliff
I want to have an epitaph reading Been There, Done that
But I also want to be the boatman to ferry across those few rats!
Sometimes I feel, other times I know that when people want to kick the bucket
Come and get stuck to me and I forget whose the leach
They think of me like a morbid shit
But Kari you know the death of an urge
To jump into the sea
Can never be as vast as floating in the dark blue sky
Where clouds cover the sun
And life takes yet another turn.
Before I continue walking on the unseen path
Jus wanted to thank you Kari, thank you for our lives crossed.
You seemed to be my dying angel
Unreal reality you appear to be
You brought out my fears alive
Kari, do you live in me?
I know you did once upon a time
And then I lost you in the crowd of life
But somewhere deep inside you create the ripples of lonesome delight
My memory of the absentee other is deep embedded
But the images of the same are getting blurred
Tell me Kari, is it really a race towards death where you fight to be the first?
My cityscape had tall buildings, and bunch of bright lights when I lived there last
Since then every time I crawled to go back, I realized I have not reached far.
Home that is, was or will be the place that I will never look for solace,
I love my free fall,
The maximum city has also altered since I left
But its still has my secrets safe inside
Unseen faces, a sip of the poisonous kiss
Unseen eyes, a peek into the barren hearth
Most often there are logical beginnings, ends and consolidations
To my relationships, be with people, spaces, moments or words
But often I wonder what if somebody gave me the constitution without the preamble?
These are not my words, if they discover they will say its yours
But Kari they were hidden in my heart
Till you graphized them on several other minds
In between the smoky, stingy lanes
I played with pretty boys till the other side said, space is not alive
The rains make me happy and sad
They set me free and chain me down
Coherent words loses itself midst the gusty wind
Never knew if there were laws in love
Was it ever love if it was not free? Time and incidents as you say, just comes by…
I am half baked in the half cooked truth
That nobody would ever own me
Since the time I have wrenched my umbilical cord
I loved silence but sometimes homosapiens analyze it
And my over analytical self gets moving into the trespasser forbidden zone
Of Foucault’s psychoanalysis and interpretation of dreams
Where often known souls become strangers, which tells me every morning of the time for which I think I need to prepare.
At twenty one I knew my teen celeb dream was dead
Five years later I see I do not have awards or creations invaluable to my name
I walk up stairs, see glitzy dreams, and churn severe ambitions but nowhere it leads
Me to the a destination where I can smile and fall from a cliff
I want to have an epitaph reading Been There, Done that
But I also want to be the boatman to ferry across those few rats!
Sometimes I feel, other times I know that when people want to kick the bucket
Come and get stuck to me and I forget whose the leach
They think of me like a morbid shit
But Kari you know the death of an urge
To jump into the sea
Can never be as vast as floating in the dark blue sky
Where clouds cover the sun
And life takes yet another turn.
Before I continue walking on the unseen path
Jus wanted to thank you Kari, thank you for our lives crossed.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Matter Mastering!
Ya have been away from this space for a while.
Not a good thing,for my health too as I realize, too many thots spoils the head
How has life changed? Wondering......
Well it definitely does not give me time to brood, but panic attacks occur and I feel desperate, distressed and willing to hit the door and bang till it drops dead.
National Geographic Channel high has settled in, the cool quotient with the launch of Fox History and Entertainment too feels old now.
Boy!!!!! everything in life is coming to be shortlived.
Why am I even beginning to think of it? Didnt I know from 35 mm I was moving to a life that began and end in precisely 30 secs. If you are thinking its too little time,on air it costs huge.
And ya in the first week the biggest lesson learning in progress are -
1. Thinking time = Money, and if I do it right, or I only knew the trick I could be a billionaire :)
2. One has to learn to be nasty, and not regret it. Everybody out there needs a reason to get on to nerves, so stay calm but edgy.....and nobody tells you the irony beneath it.
Got choaked over a period of time, over nuptial conversations. I am getting numb over convinience, if at all that is convinience till I rediscovered myself over Fellini's 8 and a 1/2.
The struggle has not even hit the high. It is still in the womb, beyond these random words and emotions they have not seen the light of the day.
So girlie,get going.....it takes an insane toll to get to the level of being a legend who creates breathtaking 24 frames per second.
Dostana was an exciting venture! Somewhere homosexuality is inside the Indian bedrooms. Yes, the community can complain of stereotypes, and sudden unwelcome gestures but people its out in the open. Lets celebrate the first step....the bollywood way!
Presi bonding happened and it felt weird about changing spaces, but I never wanted roots,or lets say do not know how to live with them. But as ace friend and confidante Divz would put it, dont try to hard on yourself,everything would sink in.
The first fight with R gave me an insight of getting edgy over inability to fill in absence. But in the mind, I knew I was there as a silent spectator.
Lifes good, spaces get smoky,thots wriggle inside my head as if its waiting to scream and few words out I am already feeling better. Like the Zoya Factor, all s fair in Love and Cricket, naah alls fair in a life for love,live for love.
Random never had one shape,one emotion,one color. Thats why it beautiful.
All the best to survival spirits and life in 30 seconds.
Not a good thing,for my health too as I realize, too many thots spoils the head
How has life changed? Wondering......
Well it definitely does not give me time to brood, but panic attacks occur and I feel desperate, distressed and willing to hit the door and bang till it drops dead.
National Geographic Channel high has settled in, the cool quotient with the launch of Fox History and Entertainment too feels old now.
Boy!!!!! everything in life is coming to be shortlived.
Why am I even beginning to think of it? Didnt I know from 35 mm I was moving to a life that began and end in precisely 30 secs. If you are thinking its too little time,on air it costs huge.
And ya in the first week the biggest lesson learning in progress are -
1. Thinking time = Money, and if I do it right, or I only knew the trick I could be a billionaire :)
2. One has to learn to be nasty, and not regret it. Everybody out there needs a reason to get on to nerves, so stay calm but edgy.....and nobody tells you the irony beneath it.
Got choaked over a period of time, over nuptial conversations. I am getting numb over convinience, if at all that is convinience till I rediscovered myself over Fellini's 8 and a 1/2.
The struggle has not even hit the high. It is still in the womb, beyond these random words and emotions they have not seen the light of the day.
So girlie,get going.....it takes an insane toll to get to the level of being a legend who creates breathtaking 24 frames per second.
Dostana was an exciting venture! Somewhere homosexuality is inside the Indian bedrooms. Yes, the community can complain of stereotypes, and sudden unwelcome gestures but people its out in the open. Lets celebrate the first step....the bollywood way!
Presi bonding happened and it felt weird about changing spaces, but I never wanted roots,or lets say do not know how to live with them. But as ace friend and confidante Divz would put it, dont try to hard on yourself,everything would sink in.
The first fight with R gave me an insight of getting edgy over inability to fill in absence. But in the mind, I knew I was there as a silent spectator.
Lifes good, spaces get smoky,thots wriggle inside my head as if its waiting to scream and few words out I am already feeling better. Like the Zoya Factor, all s fair in Love and Cricket, naah alls fair in a life for love,live for love.
Random never had one shape,one emotion,one color. Thats why it beautiful.
All the best to survival spirits and life in 30 seconds.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Whiney Minie Miney Moe
Ya I want to whine a while, I was wondering if I should use this space,but thanks to our lifestyles and slavery to the keyboard and my almost left blank yearly dairies finally made me get myself to whine here. And play the favourite game as a child,of choosing who shall be slaughtered...Ini,mini,minie,moe.
Enuf, I have too much been talking about the world.
Ya fine,its been threatening my basics and made me addictive to have been reeling under the spell of terrorism,communal violence and wall street crisis but I did keep the regular stuff, that I live with, off the radar.
So whats new? Saw Kidnap-long and short of it...lotz but this Khan is promising.
Did not even take a look at the pujas and seems I didn miss much,of course till my celebrity anjoli pal turned me nostalgic. A lovelorn friend was in town with whom I did revisit my state of affairs too much and still have not reached a conclusion. And then I gave into the regular stuff,and picked up this chick-book called You are here. While I was reading it I was looking into those million times gone by. I have lived them but never thought it could go down to become a book because there was nothing extraordinary about it.
But as chickbook also tells you stories that you had almost forgotten.
And on the eve of 2nd October after almost three months I heard myself engaged into genuine exchange, of ideas,experiences and was listening to people without my mind flying into forbidden areas. Am I coming in terms with my breakup finally? Maybe but the question that now is disturbingly nudging me and not anymore working as the possibility of 'things will be fine' is - have I really broken up? And as always,amongst those few good men and women I have in life,one of them told me a way out,and till that happens I will live through the interim like I have always lived life. Probably thats why cartoon films like spirited away makes one feel so special :)
And at this point, well soulmate,missed you like one of those realllly wanna speak to you times
Met these really interesting bunch of people who are in their quest of life. Happily living moments like its one of those precious times for engaging in a dialogue. And ofcourse the warm hearted prejudiced friend who was all out to work out options for freshly out of break ups. It was embarrasing till I realized its all in good faith.
While I write this however I am taken back to all the memories and I still do not know what went wrong.Why are all our lives so perplexing-ly mundanely screwed? Is it realllllyy true that all my aspirations of being able to break free of what is most obvious will really not see the light of the day? Will I get entwined in the regular whatevers.....I mean its a choice that I have to make. And I do not think it would be that difficult to hang onto the fact that I will not follow rules.
Anyways I have gotten addicted to Leonard Cohen. I cant think of a day in the last three months when I havent read or heard him and as I was hearing tonight will be fine on the comp,on television I saw sex and the city-the movie on Oprah. And that was yet another time I realized what a sucker for chick stuff have I become. Hehhehaahee. Boy it felt so good to see these girls again and of course hearing about all that. As dear Charlotte says 'twenties are the most miserable' I nodded vehemently saying...yes I still do not know what is there to me. Gone are those days when people would be all sorted by 25. Boy I am just 25 and there are 25000000000 things I have to do. How can I ever get sorted to save my life? So dear friends and fellow men,thirties are the new twenties. So much for my convenience.
And most importantly I do not see Mr.Big anywhere in the circumference,forget him in the circle. The guy who plays Mr.Big,Chris Noth is a father of a three and a half year old child. And I cannot begin to get smiling as to how adorable he looked. So in real life he did not have a cold feet . And that leads me to question the real avatar of Mr.Big. Is he all only fiction? Hope not,there must be someone as incompletely complete like him. Or maybe in real life an amalgamation of many nice-ness about men around shapes upto Mr.Big. So therefore keep floating. Dunno if that is a good feeling. Maybe not at the moment,but it excited me till this Quirky delightful disaster happened.
I need to go back to Bombay for a while and get over this bit, I dun want to give up on that special warm hearth because of alleys where I lost myself.
Gosh I can almost start a love story memory museum in sometime.
But honestly doesn't all of this almost make me feel miserable that the hopeless romance like Roman Holiday kinds does not exist anymore.
Well honestly it does.
But with a fairly good number of failed relationships I am beginning to question the concept itself. One can always choose to be a hopeless romantic at heart and not compromise. But then it is important to realize that humans are susceptible to change of kinds unheard of.
For some I am surely the crazy romantic kinds and for others I am the brutal honest demon sucking out all romance.
Ya,as I write this I also realize I know what I do not want but at the same time I dont really know the inner calling. What does it take to be the right man or be the right partner? There is no formula and thats nothing new I am telling you but what about those couples you come by and say,they are just so perfect!
I do not know how is life gonna shape up,I mean I never wanted to know,but I think the times are changing and as of today I am feeling better to be able to look up and chase my dreams again,the half written scripts,the dead dear laptop,the disengagement with the world,not paying attention to whats happening inside me, all of that needs to change.
It has to blossom to a fresh autumn morning.
Maybe I will smash myself over alcohol and stuff and have these really irritating conversations over how I found and lost the perfect man but at the same time I am looking forward to the whole exercise again.
So as this interesting explorer I came by talked about Shamanic dreams and Ayuvaska also mentioned, lemme end it on that note, ya so ....if at all there is something called love.
Hoping the weekend trip planned instinctively will get me better. Over horses and ridges, and deserts and trenches, will there be a Mr. Big waiting?
Well well, if they could be there in a class full or people...amongst hundreds in a rock show,or midst a crowded pub,one must not lose hope.
It happens afterall out of nowhere.
Enuf, I have too much been talking about the world.
Ya fine,its been threatening my basics and made me addictive to have been reeling under the spell of terrorism,communal violence and wall street crisis but I did keep the regular stuff, that I live with, off the radar.
So whats new? Saw Kidnap-long and short of it...lotz but this Khan is promising.
Did not even take a look at the pujas and seems I didn miss much,of course till my celebrity anjoli pal turned me nostalgic. A lovelorn friend was in town with whom I did revisit my state of affairs too much and still have not reached a conclusion. And then I gave into the regular stuff,and picked up this chick-book called You are here. While I was reading it I was looking into those million times gone by. I have lived them but never thought it could go down to become a book because there was nothing extraordinary about it.
But as chickbook also tells you stories that you had almost forgotten.
And on the eve of 2nd October after almost three months I heard myself engaged into genuine exchange, of ideas,experiences and was listening to people without my mind flying into forbidden areas. Am I coming in terms with my breakup finally? Maybe but the question that now is disturbingly nudging me and not anymore working as the possibility of 'things will be fine' is - have I really broken up? And as always,amongst those few good men and women I have in life,one of them told me a way out,and till that happens I will live through the interim like I have always lived life. Probably thats why cartoon films like spirited away makes one feel so special :)
And at this point, well soulmate,missed you like one of those realllly wanna speak to you times
Met these really interesting bunch of people who are in their quest of life. Happily living moments like its one of those precious times for engaging in a dialogue. And ofcourse the warm hearted prejudiced friend who was all out to work out options for freshly out of break ups. It was embarrasing till I realized its all in good faith.
While I write this however I am taken back to all the memories and I still do not know what went wrong.Why are all our lives so perplexing-ly mundanely screwed? Is it realllllyy true that all my aspirations of being able to break free of what is most obvious will really not see the light of the day? Will I get entwined in the regular whatevers.....I mean its a choice that I have to make. And I do not think it would be that difficult to hang onto the fact that I will not follow rules.
Anyways I have gotten addicted to Leonard Cohen. I cant think of a day in the last three months when I havent read or heard him and as I was hearing tonight will be fine on the comp,on television I saw sex and the city-the movie on Oprah. And that was yet another time I realized what a sucker for chick stuff have I become. Hehhehaahee. Boy it felt so good to see these girls again and of course hearing about all that. As dear Charlotte says 'twenties are the most miserable' I nodded vehemently saying...yes I still do not know what is there to me. Gone are those days when people would be all sorted by 25. Boy I am just 25 and there are 25000000000 things I have to do. How can I ever get sorted to save my life? So dear friends and fellow men,thirties are the new twenties. So much for my convenience.
And most importantly I do not see Mr.Big anywhere in the circumference,forget him in the circle. The guy who plays Mr.Big,Chris Noth is a father of a three and a half year old child. And I cannot begin to get smiling as to how adorable he looked. So in real life he did not have a cold feet . And that leads me to question the real avatar of Mr.Big. Is he all only fiction? Hope not,there must be someone as incompletely complete like him. Or maybe in real life an amalgamation of many nice-ness about men around shapes upto Mr.Big. So therefore keep floating. Dunno if that is a good feeling. Maybe not at the moment,but it excited me till this Quirky delightful disaster happened.
I need to go back to Bombay for a while and get over this bit, I dun want to give up on that special warm hearth because of alleys where I lost myself.
Gosh I can almost start a love story memory museum in sometime.
But honestly doesn't all of this almost make me feel miserable that the hopeless romance like Roman Holiday kinds does not exist anymore.
Well honestly it does.
But with a fairly good number of failed relationships I am beginning to question the concept itself. One can always choose to be a hopeless romantic at heart and not compromise. But then it is important to realize that humans are susceptible to change of kinds unheard of.
For some I am surely the crazy romantic kinds and for others I am the brutal honest demon sucking out all romance.
Ya,as I write this I also realize I know what I do not want but at the same time I dont really know the inner calling. What does it take to be the right man or be the right partner? There is no formula and thats nothing new I am telling you but what about those couples you come by and say,they are just so perfect!
I do not know how is life gonna shape up,I mean I never wanted to know,but I think the times are changing and as of today I am feeling better to be able to look up and chase my dreams again,the half written scripts,the dead dear laptop,the disengagement with the world,not paying attention to whats happening inside me, all of that needs to change.
It has to blossom to a fresh autumn morning.
Maybe I will smash myself over alcohol and stuff and have these really irritating conversations over how I found and lost the perfect man but at the same time I am looking forward to the whole exercise again.
So as this interesting explorer I came by talked about Shamanic dreams and Ayuvaska also mentioned, lemme end it on that note, ya so ....if at all there is something called love.
Hoping the weekend trip planned instinctively will get me better. Over horses and ridges, and deserts and trenches, will there be a Mr. Big waiting?
Well well, if they could be there in a class full or people...amongst hundreds in a rock show,or midst a crowded pub,one must not lose hope.
It happens afterall out of nowhere.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
BRAINLESS
The state of mind at this point of time is not even brain dead…seems it is brain less…. Ahhhhhhhh….
Work is been very very boring today, to the extent that I feel like puking and getting it out of my system.
What do I feel like doing? Well ahhmmm….I feel like going for a drive and get drenched in the rain and have a cup of coffee, not talk or even think. Do I want to do it alone? Well I do not know seriously….. I mean the only person I think I wanna be with is TB, he is not the questioning type, off late I have been missing him; the reason is very simple, he has broken the shackles of the vicious cycle (I hope, n pray…please u have right?)
Anyways Mumbai seems scary today because at this hour everyone is working whereas what I want to do now is find people, go to some nice sea facing house and then have wine there and pass out. Maybe I am also looking for interesting company today, just to blabber or maybe just to listen to them blabber about the universe, where nothing absolutely is real. Oh just re-read what I wrote….man I am superbly ambitious I must say….I want INTERESTING, RIGHT NOW AVAILABLE,NOT FAMILIAR COMPANY who can talk UNREAL!!!!!
Is the bug of loneliness spatting on me? Quite possible but not really, I mean I think its psychological.
However much I say that the caravan set up now seems something I am immune to, I guess I am very very unhappy about it, I mean I jus want a space where I can happily go back to. Calvin I miss your space. And this damn week man….its blooooddddyyyy long. I wanted to make sure if I was the only one fooling myself but P, S, R everyone seems to agree to me, therefore I am on the right track
I donno why I am happy about that? Its like in a seemingly small week nothing really changes and so will it be now, just that I will have to deal with all the irritation for TWO full days. I can look forward to Friday and then to the Saturday, both the days I have nice people o catch up with, part of the unreal almost you see.
So what is the crux of my problem now?
People? Not really….I have a few who like me, so I am satisfied. I am happy that most of who like me also can stand me. And I can also stand them. So am I unhappy with work? Well definitely not, its been a blessing, I guess lets just not be so mean and say it is a BAD day at work and otherwise too………
Dun even bother…life's like that…shit happens and then again shit happens….
A familiar line, just the art director changes every time.
Lets give it another shot @ the PENDING things to do on the list...........
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The Beautiful Meaning of Meaningless-ness
I had been leading a flustered life and it makes me sick.
Beyond a point I also know it is not possible to talk, I mean how much can one keep saying when life has been taken over by wrong kind of restrictions and keeps me quite confined where headspace s also most sought after (beyond several other things)
On such a day I went out to meet an old friend who made lotza sense and it was good to see him expressing himself full throttle.
He imbibed a lot of enthusiasm about carving the niche and having the patience to do the same. All charged I knew there was no dearth of opportunities but at the same time the truth of stagnation and having the worst challenge in life to keep thee patience.
Then I met another friend whose life is also fairly screwed, over apparent and not so apparent reasons and then I began my journey of demystifying the beauty of meaninglessness.
We had nothing to talk about because we did know exactly each others state of mind, at the same time when we got to talking about other people we figured they were also screwed at some level whereas the tragedy lies in the fact that those ignorant ones little realized their weaknesses (please pardon if I am sounding atrociously judgemental)!
And then we started smiling, often breaking into illogical bouts of laughter. It was like overstating the obvious. And after a point it slowly started sinking into me that though we did not have anything to talk about, neither did we feel the need nor the obligation. It was not even remotely uncomfortable; it was like two souls we knew about their endangered existence as a species and inspite of that they kept wandering into nameless vistas. As time passed by we realized the meaninglessness that had created a halo around us. Gradually quite unaware of what it was we began to enjoy it.
Time passed by and in a café in Park Street we sat over almost three hours trying to unravel the meaninglessness which un-knowingly we both took a lot of solace in. When we try to argue (atleast I do) that communication is the best source to avoid confusion but often I was tongue tied because there was nothing more to communicate except for meaninglessness. In some form or the other at the highest level of frustration I often exclaim how meaningless life is! But as per all the maestros are concerned say from one Melville and Hawthorne, Nietzsche and Marx or very dear friend Kafka they all saw meaninglessness coming into their lives. The existence of this phenomenon has been described by many poets, writers, philosophers but largely there has been a morbid tone to it. It is said that meaninglessness creeps in when life is confronted with the ultimate question of about its importance, about its existence and pondering over the question leads to a no answer situation, or maybe it is very arbid to believe. Life at that point seems very pointless, cruel and a little mad! But what we do not consciously realize is the fact that it is this state of madness at different level of consciousness that inspires us to create.
While I was doing something as vague as a desk research on meaninglessness I discovered that most definitions would want to look at meaningless as lose of aim, or goals in life-over work, family, love, marriage or religion or maybe several other things.
The even more interesting part is to look at the philosophy of meaninglessness; and the way it is explained in several of the philosophical narratives; A sneak peek to the same follows –
Relative Meaninglessness
1. Disappointed expectations;failure to fulfill accepted criteria.
2. Discrepancy between established criteria and observable actualities;
based on intellectual information;existentially disclosed.
3. Temporary—lasts only until the discrepancy is corrected
4. Limited to a specific realm of meaning.
5. We know what to change to bring meaning.
Existential Meaninglessness
1. Frameworks of meaning collapse; lack of ultimate purpose in life.
2. Uncaused; discovered as a fundamental condition-of-being;
3. Permanent—no matter what we change, meaninglessness continues.
4. Pervades every dimension of life.
5. Nothing we can do will make life ultimately meaningful.
But to me the beauty of meaninglessness lies in the fact that it does not follow it a protocol, it does not have boundaries, or it has no restrictions. I therefore join the bandwagon of Satre and Camus who urge us to embrace our meaninglessness. They claim that life is better because it is meaningless and absurd. If there is no given purpose to which we must conform to gain meaning, then we can create our own meanings in the midst of meaninglessness. By rebelling against our Predicament, we create our own Authenticity.
So here I am, cheering away to the new discovery I made that meaninglessness is a very meaningful phenomenon and the fact that it challenges the logic of meanings and even probably illusions makes it another experience that has its sweet charm!
Till I walk the lanes of finding solace in meaninglessness of being occupied and enjoy such innovative evenings, Trublu, cheers once again.
31st August-11th Sept 2007
Beyond a point I also know it is not possible to talk, I mean how much can one keep saying when life has been taken over by wrong kind of restrictions and keeps me quite confined where headspace s also most sought after (beyond several other things)
On such a day I went out to meet an old friend who made lotza sense and it was good to see him expressing himself full throttle.
He imbibed a lot of enthusiasm about carving the niche and having the patience to do the same. All charged I knew there was no dearth of opportunities but at the same time the truth of stagnation and having the worst challenge in life to keep thee patience.
Then I met another friend whose life is also fairly screwed, over apparent and not so apparent reasons and then I began my journey of demystifying the beauty of meaninglessness.
We had nothing to talk about because we did know exactly each others state of mind, at the same time when we got to talking about other people we figured they were also screwed at some level whereas the tragedy lies in the fact that those ignorant ones little realized their weaknesses (please pardon if I am sounding atrociously judgemental)!
And then we started smiling, often breaking into illogical bouts of laughter. It was like overstating the obvious. And after a point it slowly started sinking into me that though we did not have anything to talk about, neither did we feel the need nor the obligation. It was not even remotely uncomfortable; it was like two souls we knew about their endangered existence as a species and inspite of that they kept wandering into nameless vistas. As time passed by we realized the meaninglessness that had created a halo around us. Gradually quite unaware of what it was we began to enjoy it.
Time passed by and in a café in Park Street we sat over almost three hours trying to unravel the meaninglessness which un-knowingly we both took a lot of solace in. When we try to argue (atleast I do) that communication is the best source to avoid confusion but often I was tongue tied because there was nothing more to communicate except for meaninglessness. In some form or the other at the highest level of frustration I often exclaim how meaningless life is! But as per all the maestros are concerned say from one Melville and Hawthorne, Nietzsche and Marx or very dear friend Kafka they all saw meaninglessness coming into their lives. The existence of this phenomenon has been described by many poets, writers, philosophers but largely there has been a morbid tone to it. It is said that meaninglessness creeps in when life is confronted with the ultimate question of about its importance, about its existence and pondering over the question leads to a no answer situation, or maybe it is very arbid to believe. Life at that point seems very pointless, cruel and a little mad! But what we do not consciously realize is the fact that it is this state of madness at different level of consciousness that inspires us to create.
While I was doing something as vague as a desk research on meaninglessness I discovered that most definitions would want to look at meaningless as lose of aim, or goals in life-over work, family, love, marriage or religion or maybe several other things.
The even more interesting part is to look at the philosophy of meaninglessness; and the way it is explained in several of the philosophical narratives; A sneak peek to the same follows –
Relative Meaninglessness
1. Disappointed expectations;failure to fulfill accepted criteria.
2. Discrepancy between established criteria and observable actualities;
based on intellectual information;existentially disclosed.
3. Temporary—lasts only until the discrepancy is corrected
4. Limited to a specific realm of meaning.
5. We know what to change to bring meaning.
Existential Meaninglessness
1. Frameworks of meaning collapse; lack of ultimate purpose in life.
2. Uncaused; discovered as a fundamental condition-of-being;
3. Permanent—no matter what we change, meaninglessness continues.
4. Pervades every dimension of life.
5. Nothing we can do will make life ultimately meaningful.
But to me the beauty of meaninglessness lies in the fact that it does not follow it a protocol, it does not have boundaries, or it has no restrictions. I therefore join the bandwagon of Satre and Camus who urge us to embrace our meaninglessness. They claim that life is better because it is meaningless and absurd. If there is no given purpose to which we must conform to gain meaning, then we can create our own meanings in the midst of meaninglessness. By rebelling against our Predicament, we create our own Authenticity.
So here I am, cheering away to the new discovery I made that meaninglessness is a very meaningful phenomenon and the fact that it challenges the logic of meanings and even probably illusions makes it another experience that has its sweet charm!
Till I walk the lanes of finding solace in meaninglessness of being occupied and enjoy such innovative evenings, Trublu, cheers once again.
31st August-11th Sept 2007
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Snippets of the Senses.
It all started one day when I was coming back from some part of remote Kolkata and as we drove our way asking people about direction there was this strange phenomenon I chanced upon that never found space enroute the travelogue.
When I ask somebody about something (mostly directions), I make assumptions about the person. It can be either marked as judgemental or as intuition. Like when I am not sure about the destination I am looking for a ride where I know the other person-the cabbie, or the auto guy knows the way…..it is mostly a right hit and at crucial times I also get into the trap of people whose sense of direction is as whopped as mine.
It is just a reading of the person’s face and is quite an interesting exercise. And a lot of times it is quite fun because they not only lead you to the wrong lane or bylane but they also confidently tell you about every other road apart from the one you are looking for. On the sunny side the right direction comes to my way bang on when I am least expecting it. I was wondering what do I call it…..the phenomenon of understanding whether people know directions to my destination by looking at their face when I myself do not have any clue of that direction. Face reading would be undermining it, largely inappropriate. May be when I manage to finish reading all vocabulary books I would have an idea. But till date it has been an interesting venture, something that I have enjoyed thoroughly, and at times it has also led me spend a few extra bucks.
That was the sensation of vision.
From there let me narrate the immense sense of smell which has never been more emancipating.
Went to Olypub the other day and the smell of alcohol, smoke and the ambience of the space made me feel ‘wooaaahhooo, this is what life is all about’. And I could not believe that as my companion ended up on beef steak and beer I chanced on Nimbu pani! Now that’s THE example of self control. So I love Oly irrespective of alcohol. That same day I watched Die Hard, and the best description is that exaggeration becomes entertaining. As I was drawing parallels with it and the illogical Bollywood films (ignore the generalization) the film partner described it as “ultralogical”. And ultralogical is also the word for explaining the fact that even when we do have all the answers heading to doomsday the attraction is very severe. As I have had these series of conversations with a friend trying to draw the logic that certain emotional investments do not lead us anywhere I ended up having reduced parallels. Difficult to explain, but ya….ultralogical. But somewhere from the series of experiences I have come to believe trusting people is a highly risk-taking venture! We all have our set of beliefs and equations and that definitely means acceptance, denial, feeling great and feeling not so great. And as my convenient self would want to prove it I would do anything that anyone asks me to do as long as it is done my way! The conclusion therefore is Power is at the epicentre of relationships! This can lead to a series of debates and give birth to several theorems and several more to prove/un-prove them.
And then old ties were renewed and what was funny was after a prolonged absence of seven years it seemed very easy to have been back to being known strangers. I guess it cannot be like die hard friends again, and that is too much to expect maybe. There was a birth of some regrets but the naval fragrance had travelled a very long way, maybe for better, hope not for worse. Often in the madness of life this was the first time in a long time I wished I had paused, taken a deep breathe and waited to hear myself. And ya it was not strong enough for any one of us to have stood up for all that we shared. Strange thing called colors of life. And it was not such a nice feeling to know that I could hurt someone too with all my might. But then let bygones be bygones. Lets see if the new roads can be walked together. But at the same time I realized that with some friends who have seen you grow, there is a comfort level beyond explanation. It was like sitting with a book on a rainy afternoon, and the happiness lies in the fact that no matter how ever much you feel it is an old tattered book, the content, the familiarity and the bitter-sweet memories are the elements of inane attraction.
Chennai was another experience, of a level beyond comprehension to my own self. The self destructive phenomenon was at its peak and I felt uncomfortable about the wreck that I had turned myself into. There is soooooo much that I have to do, but the deadening enthusiasm or the killer procrastination had taken a complete toll. Nothing helped. It is not even that the enthusiasm s all back and life is hunky dory but it is not the wreck…..it is the silent vegetative state. Certain realizations definitely have kept me at an ease; For the Nth time I feel the romantic angle in life is miserable. Gawd how so well I know a settled romance thing is not my forte; everything else can change but the core ; ) and I cannot even say it with any conviction, one never knows what turn emotions would take.
The nicer thing was Soulmediam8 is back to Mumbai and suddenly she seems to be closer by, almost like she was; like every first time. I know things would change for her and with each time life will be different but the fact of solace in thoughts would remain intact with a few good men and women is probably the almost extinct feeling of certainty. The other grand feeling was to hear Fukcr’s voice after succchhhh a long time, like I had never felt such an upheaval of affection for him.
Midst all of this mayhem Dumbhead provides me with a lot of solace. The nicest thing about him is the sense of determination that he is filled with and I get a sense of certainty from him. Ya as Jyo’s post said about the end point, with Dumbhead you know there is no end. Thanks to the almighty for one conviction where I do not see uncertainty. I miss all the times when we could just not say a word, hug each other and walk through lanes of being opaque. Missing you…..and whatever…..
People definitely can be a source of anecdotes and at the same time there are often times when the same people completely make you feel wish you hadn’t known the human kind. We all are very mundane and clichéd, beyond a point nobody has variety and everybody is stagnating-ly annoying. In my quest to find the constantly interesting and engaging persona, I end up getting disappointed about the human kind, and I lead the clan. A dead vegetation, getting caught in silly nonsense of men fighting over women, adults not knowing what are priorities, and people endlessly whiling away their time over a never-ending whole of nothing. At one level over the weekend as I was happy to see friends reuniting, on the other hand I could see the inane desire of the actors to get back to the old rut. How very shady was the feeling to know of friends who lack sense of direction. But as my dear comrades would say, we live one life and we do not know the value of each second; so if we do not know what we are losing out on….just another experiential loss. You can help someone with the direction to the treasure during the hunt, you cannot get the treasure for someone else. And I refuse to do it from the August Axis!
As I am a self proclaimed contradictory persona therefore I would come back to the aspect of people again. Old friends….My anchor for life accompanied with the man in black n white was here, its probably very very easy to just slide down time and become kids again. The whole day I just laughed, without reason, and pain, in the evening things that I would never have done in the present day ‘image’ I sat and did that….talked nonsense without thoughts or fears of being mis-read! I guess we can do that in two circumstances. When you are in the company of friends who have seen you cry because you were not selected as the sports team captain or with strangers who know too little about you.
The strange thing about the nonsense was birth of a coloured love story – The orange-green story with a known stranger!!!!!
I need to now go and finish that lovestory that will be sometime be treated as a masterpiece in the history of innovation.
P.S - Was TRYING really hard to get a common link to this piece but still have not succeeded much….too many incoherent thoughts and probably makes no sense at large.
When I ask somebody about something (mostly directions), I make assumptions about the person. It can be either marked as judgemental or as intuition. Like when I am not sure about the destination I am looking for a ride where I know the other person-the cabbie, or the auto guy knows the way…..it is mostly a right hit and at crucial times I also get into the trap of people whose sense of direction is as whopped as mine.
It is just a reading of the person’s face and is quite an interesting exercise. And a lot of times it is quite fun because they not only lead you to the wrong lane or bylane but they also confidently tell you about every other road apart from the one you are looking for. On the sunny side the right direction comes to my way bang on when I am least expecting it. I was wondering what do I call it…..the phenomenon of understanding whether people know directions to my destination by looking at their face when I myself do not have any clue of that direction. Face reading would be undermining it, largely inappropriate. May be when I manage to finish reading all vocabulary books I would have an idea. But till date it has been an interesting venture, something that I have enjoyed thoroughly, and at times it has also led me spend a few extra bucks.
That was the sensation of vision.
From there let me narrate the immense sense of smell which has never been more emancipating.
Went to Olypub the other day and the smell of alcohol, smoke and the ambience of the space made me feel ‘wooaaahhooo, this is what life is all about’. And I could not believe that as my companion ended up on beef steak and beer I chanced on Nimbu pani! Now that’s THE example of self control. So I love Oly irrespective of alcohol. That same day I watched Die Hard, and the best description is that exaggeration becomes entertaining. As I was drawing parallels with it and the illogical Bollywood films (ignore the generalization) the film partner described it as “ultralogical”. And ultralogical is also the word for explaining the fact that even when we do have all the answers heading to doomsday the attraction is very severe. As I have had these series of conversations with a friend trying to draw the logic that certain emotional investments do not lead us anywhere I ended up having reduced parallels. Difficult to explain, but ya….ultralogical. But somewhere from the series of experiences I have come to believe trusting people is a highly risk-taking venture! We all have our set of beliefs and equations and that definitely means acceptance, denial, feeling great and feeling not so great. And as my convenient self would want to prove it I would do anything that anyone asks me to do as long as it is done my way! The conclusion therefore is Power is at the epicentre of relationships! This can lead to a series of debates and give birth to several theorems and several more to prove/un-prove them.
And then old ties were renewed and what was funny was after a prolonged absence of seven years it seemed very easy to have been back to being known strangers. I guess it cannot be like die hard friends again, and that is too much to expect maybe. There was a birth of some regrets but the naval fragrance had travelled a very long way, maybe for better, hope not for worse. Often in the madness of life this was the first time in a long time I wished I had paused, taken a deep breathe and waited to hear myself. And ya it was not strong enough for any one of us to have stood up for all that we shared. Strange thing called colors of life. And it was not such a nice feeling to know that I could hurt someone too with all my might. But then let bygones be bygones. Lets see if the new roads can be walked together. But at the same time I realized that with some friends who have seen you grow, there is a comfort level beyond explanation. It was like sitting with a book on a rainy afternoon, and the happiness lies in the fact that no matter how ever much you feel it is an old tattered book, the content, the familiarity and the bitter-sweet memories are the elements of inane attraction.
Chennai was another experience, of a level beyond comprehension to my own self. The self destructive phenomenon was at its peak and I felt uncomfortable about the wreck that I had turned myself into. There is soooooo much that I have to do, but the deadening enthusiasm or the killer procrastination had taken a complete toll. Nothing helped. It is not even that the enthusiasm s all back and life is hunky dory but it is not the wreck…..it is the silent vegetative state. Certain realizations definitely have kept me at an ease; For the Nth time I feel the romantic angle in life is miserable. Gawd how so well I know a settled romance thing is not my forte; everything else can change but the core ; ) and I cannot even say it with any conviction, one never knows what turn emotions would take.
The nicer thing was Soulmediam8 is back to Mumbai and suddenly she seems to be closer by, almost like she was; like every first time. I know things would change for her and with each time life will be different but the fact of solace in thoughts would remain intact with a few good men and women is probably the almost extinct feeling of certainty. The other grand feeling was to hear Fukcr’s voice after succchhhh a long time, like I had never felt such an upheaval of affection for him.
Midst all of this mayhem Dumbhead provides me with a lot of solace. The nicest thing about him is the sense of determination that he is filled with and I get a sense of certainty from him. Ya as Jyo’s post said about the end point, with Dumbhead you know there is no end. Thanks to the almighty for one conviction where I do not see uncertainty. I miss all the times when we could just not say a word, hug each other and walk through lanes of being opaque. Missing you…..and whatever…..
People definitely can be a source of anecdotes and at the same time there are often times when the same people completely make you feel wish you hadn’t known the human kind. We all are very mundane and clichéd, beyond a point nobody has variety and everybody is stagnating-ly annoying. In my quest to find the constantly interesting and engaging persona, I end up getting disappointed about the human kind, and I lead the clan. A dead vegetation, getting caught in silly nonsense of men fighting over women, adults not knowing what are priorities, and people endlessly whiling away their time over a never-ending whole of nothing. At one level over the weekend as I was happy to see friends reuniting, on the other hand I could see the inane desire of the actors to get back to the old rut. How very shady was the feeling to know of friends who lack sense of direction. But as my dear comrades would say, we live one life and we do not know the value of each second; so if we do not know what we are losing out on….just another experiential loss. You can help someone with the direction to the treasure during the hunt, you cannot get the treasure for someone else. And I refuse to do it from the August Axis!
As I am a self proclaimed contradictory persona therefore I would come back to the aspect of people again. Old friends….My anchor for life accompanied with the man in black n white was here, its probably very very easy to just slide down time and become kids again. The whole day I just laughed, without reason, and pain, in the evening things that I would never have done in the present day ‘image’ I sat and did that….talked nonsense without thoughts or fears of being mis-read! I guess we can do that in two circumstances. When you are in the company of friends who have seen you cry because you were not selected as the sports team captain or with strangers who know too little about you.
The strange thing about the nonsense was birth of a coloured love story – The orange-green story with a known stranger!!!!!
I need to now go and finish that lovestory that will be sometime be treated as a masterpiece in the history of innovation.
P.S - Was TRYING really hard to get a common link to this piece but still have not succeeded much….too many incoherent thoughts and probably makes no sense at large.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
FULL CIRCLE.....yet Again
How life takes a U-turn and u get back to where u started from, the Kolkata trip was very eventful, even before I took the flight….the scrutiny of my education, my independence and my intentions about one of my most beloved people was threatened. I don’t know how I came out but I am glad I could withstand the storm. Somewhere I agree it still has remnants but ya too little perhaps for a spirit like Life!
Going back to good old Kolkata has always been a pleasure. All said and done, the homecoming was as secure as it could get. Mom is always such a pleasure, every time the way she reignites the dampened enthusiasm and fills u with hope of confidence of a better tomorrow. Moonchai has grown up, new avenues opening up, new spirits and emotions. I figured I am very different with her. I am so protective and possessive about her that I can actually kill. It’s a different feeling and a good one too…..All I hope now is indomitable success for her!
Pujo was special, the changing priorities and friends and landscapes…..and suddenly how dear old Kolkata has become so important and a part of my existence. So much so that I made sure friends from Hyderabad also gets a lifeview of it.
Met some interesting people, The S factor in the LSE returned bohemian capitalized Socialist was rather a revelation. And also as much as discovering a lifelong friend in someone who came so close to make me open up, all thanks to Arup Bose. I am awed by his sensibilities…..and the fact that he is a man, his intricate understandings made me restore my faith even if the other two important men did let me down. I guess that is the reason that even if we lose faith life leads us to believe in all over again. Toxic Bachelor is lost in the wilderness of performing the balancing acts. But I truly pray that life never ever goes out of focus for him. Old school pals and their set of realities have also been so special, reinforced once again. I often feel guilty about Littlelight but the sad part is that he has given up on me, thanks to my fleeting existence.
Back to Mumbai was a different experience all together, change in paradigms maybe. And finally decided to give up on the buzz of business generation, was missing the edge of love, life and something that is driven with passion, thankfully things fell into place and I m on my way to build the new point of view. It was difficult, loyalties in question, hurt emotions, and all that surrounds the sentiments of the first job.
And at that juncture the lil princess tired in the highway came to good old Mumbai. A new innings for her as well, the big good old institution of marriage! Slightly insecure, about how things can change or will change with time and people. But on second thoughts how does it matter with distance for souls, they are beyond the obvious, they transcend boundaries!
There is the air of marriage all around. Really do not know How easy or Difficult is it to get there but at the same time it is a revelation, of responsibilities and being with someone through the mysteries of life….was wondering if it costs the loss of the wild, free spirit storming all over the sky….if it means my dreams of being a true bohemian will die an early death. But the best lesson and game in life is the balancing act, sometimes across mountains, sometimes in air….and to scale success it is important to climb a new peak everyday……will make sure that Life has new peaks and I climb every mountain with might.
13th October 2006,Mumbai,02:45 hrs
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