For Basic love of Things

The year is drawing to an end and I am on a high, about the basic love of things. Originated amongst a few Delhi youngsters, this artform appeals to all four senses, they keep the taste buds out, unless one decides to give into some good addiction for the complete feel. For the experience one must go for a gig before turning to the next signal.

Calling themselves BLOT, honestly the music and the visual medium makes an impact that made me travel through time and the roller coaster ride did not need alcohol or stuff to accompany.

But Basic love of things does not begin or end there. It was all over in December. The winter shivers, the craving for a drink of warmth, the excavation of minds, the fact that letting go becomes easier each day, yet leaves a tinkle of sigh. Life cannot seem to encompass itself in a few words, the textures were varied and dear to heart. Going back to Bombay made me grow up in folds. But the raving battle with the old estranged lover seems to be never ending. So much so that everything else seems to be illusionary. Maybe they still are, maybe they will be but it’s the grey I love. It’s the forever changing colour palette that feels the orchids fresh and right on the skin, tickling old emotions, only making one realize it’s not all dead, it’s still simmering somewhere and that is hope for tomorrow.

Amongst people, its amazing to see different worlds collide and still come together over music and life. Aren’t we all trying to create masterpieces all the time? Aren’t we all striving for excellence that will make us immortal? I therefore like the madness of Henry the viii th . Sometimes respecting nothing and loving everything does hold good. It gives you a feeling a completion thats very personal, very signature.

I maybe invisible as me by the end of the year but I will be someone else. The role reversals with people you meet and get intimate with in most inane ways, over shots, over smoke, over chokerblock traffic or tears and most importantly over the promise that we will walk alone with each other . The quirky sunshine is not hiding behind the clouds. Its somewhere in the sky, as I count days for the days to end, I pin my hope to see and hide in the sunshine forever.

Lofty ambitions, hope of an impossible?
What if it crashes? Speculation has never led us anywhere. So let the Obama effect take shape, let my country wake up to reasons and determine its future and let my imagination run wilder.

Lets live for basic love of things.

I live here for Love

The worst time for my lifeline.
The black end of Global terror has finally unleashed itself full blown that lasted over 48+ hours.
It seemed that it was a film running. I had heard it,seen it but the distant experience in real life had emotions that I cannot come to describe in words.
I am amazed, speechless and cannot get to believe it still.
Imagine the depth of hatred,imagine the strenght of nerves, imagine the mental space beyond which life ceases to matter.
This time it was the masses inclusive of the classes and how bare naked and shallow stood the intellegence and basic security of the country, of the financial capital of the country, of the biggest and oldest corporate empire of India.
There was anger,grievances,disgust,outrage but it was pushed and everybody somewhere basked in the glory that Bombay will bounce back.

When the news channels showed the spaces, I felt like own skin was being scathed. It hurts but its hurts so much that its numb.
I am tired of blame games, tired of political gang wars, gimmicks,bytes,reality TV and using Pakistan always for a purpose thats convinient.
I cant even drag myself to sign petitions,send emails,join groups,write protest mails.
Thats not how much I can do for love.
The maximum city has given me maximum experiences in the last almost five years. I am supposed to do much more,more than what meets the eye.
In return I dont want to depend on systems that are dying of incurable diseases - corruption, inefficiency,non-chalance and blah blah blah.
One might think everyone doing little is a lot. But a lot is already lost.
What do I do? I wanted to change the world when I graduated in 2006. And now I want to change my eyes. I dont want to live under the shadow of An Andalusian Dog.
Its difficult to live out of ones set of beliefs.
I screamed out loud when Combating Terror was thought of as strategic programming. Sam says my space has changed and my voice has to be silent. Professional (mis)fortune. Like you cant have a mind that has thoughts beyond the normal stream. I debate over niche and crass, and I decide for those million sensibilties.
So why cant my sensibility make the choice to protest in what is apparently my space?
Anyways, thats not really the point.
The point is mis-interpretation of a community, a faith and a book which is probably much ahead of its times. Its misrepresentation of concepts that were meant to empower and engage and not dissect people furthur into deeper depression from where there seems to be no return.

The vision as of now seems unexplicable and clouded with emotions of betrayal and loss of faith and lives and humanity.
There will be light at the end of tunnel.
Its my belief and its here to stay.
I Live wherever I live, but there I lived and live for Love.

Hmmm

Bc to Dementia....cud barely sleep till the clock struck six and then the Mayhem over man's fatal attraction to woman and repercussions of the law guardians.
The excitement seems to be very bleak
Not hearing from someone even more bleak
Something that I fear is desertion....not to be has ceased to be a choice.

Wonder how life is gonna change,if at all
Mumbai,cant wait to meet you,my solace of the soul,my irrelevant logic,my cuppa beside
salt water reservoir,and the aimless walk perspectiva.

To say it all together,kinda anxious,dunno if that is called the fear,the fear of denying fear but isnt denial reality?

09.09 hrs
17th May,Kolkata

The Kingfisher Man

I am on the flight back to Calcutta, bidding adieu to Bombay has never been easy but all said and done I just have to go, I realized the pain is severe but not taking over me because of the conscious effort that roots is something I am never allowed to grow.
Almost all the good friends had come to bid farewell and I did not let that tingy teardrop fall….well the post isn’t about the love for Mumbai for the umpteenth time but it is about this Kingfisher guy who helped me with the entire luggage. He did me a great favor (considering the huge amount of luggage that I was traveling with)
from the beginning till the end. And when finally I offered him a tip, he just refused….said ‘mam, its not allowed’. Wished me a happy journey and went away.
I was humbled and at the same time taken aback. There are still people who refuse a tip! It reminded me of all the nice people I met in this regard. The old uncle at Max Mueller and one only feels revered about him; I had to coax him for such a long time to accept a token of appreciation.
The Travel agent, man u have to believe it to say yes there are people in the service industry at large who make your life easyyyyy.
In this regard, I have to mention Sharad from Vibha Offset. However much one says about him, it is not enough.
One could not imagine the kind of generosity Sharad had shown us over time, he has gone out of his way to inculcate a print run of merely 1000 postcards in no time. And I guess it is only in Mumbai that I have seen entrepreneurs with a heart! Or maybe one designer of quite a stature like Manoj who just delivered the product no sooner than one asked him to. Or maybe a Parmar who out of nowhere just decided to be a life savior!
Or maybe one Geeta who remained a constant support through the mania @ Prithvi. As for these people they are quite stalwarts in their own areas of operation. I would treat them as the honchos but trust them to behave like true spirited companions on the roads of life. I cannot remember meeting one single person in the city, be it work or otherwise who has not given me a positive vibe.
The ones that went sour or did not work definitely had the Cal connection to them, I surely have nothing against the city where I have grown up but the people, there is something in the air, something that tells me to keep away. Mostly people in the circle are also ones I would jus not be comfortable with. Its not that there is an overdose of petty gossip, and not that we did not enjoy it and therefore Bombay we never gossiped but theres fairness. I mean there is a fair deal in the process.
And I am jus wondering how miserable will life be in a couple of hours! Sad!!!
Anyways before I tend to my broken heart I cannot finish this tale without mentioning the cigarette guy near 20A Gopal Mansion! A complete delight. During those really long hours of edits and madness when I would go to his shop to get the pack of Classic Milds, the welcoming smile would make my day. Or at times when I would resolve to reduce he would just see me and hand one smoke. The chit-chats and general whats happening to world kinda anecdotes, it was refreshing and delightful. And now it is only these memories that will remain.
To all the nice memories and the strong believe that the city always will be home…..

29th March 2008
18:00 hrs, somewhere in the sky!

Us and We....Who are They?

I have been quite disturbed since the Raj declared the hate for North Indians a few days ago. Filled with speculation I kept wondering about these lines of us and them and how as if religion and caste evils were not big enough for the regionalism monster had to soar its ugly head out.
Back in November last year I remember calling for chai on the phone from the guy near by and he was furious when I addressed him as 'bhaiyya',to me it is still very respectable an address like one calls for an elder brother. He refused to deliver tea and I refused to give up till he confessed that it is derogatory for him to be called a bhaiyya because thats what one calls a man from Uttar Pradesh.I gave him my logic of brother who he did not accept but we did mend the bridge.

I am surprised how we have not made any progress in the last 40 years. As far as my knowledge goes Bal Thackeray had launched a Anti South Indian inhabitants movement in Mumbai, that by 1993 till date have changed gears and have become Anti Muslim. Raj formed MNS on the basis of idealogical differences but what transpires today is no better. The new target is North Indians and to say it in so many words....any non-Maharashtrian is becoming intolerant for them.
Over the last two decades the Sena have graduated for its fangs to reach beyond local Marathi-speaking population but the unchangeable element is the Sena's constant
search for an enemy and a commitment to the politics of violence as a means to an end. Riots,mass killings,damage of property, the Sena today has blood on its hand that is a clear evidence of it being the murderer.
Raj Thackeray carries on the legacy in a rather spooky,uncannily similar manner,keeping one about the family's audacity to propagate violence openly in the world's largest democracy. But many of you must be just smirking to say, but thats politics my dear,but at the same time its a free country too.

The Maharashtra 40 years ago is something I mean the place that I have not seen.But today Mumbai is supposedly the most cosmopolitan city where every individual who is the whos who of the city/country has commendable contribution to give the city the identity of being progressive in all directions.It has politically also changed the city's fate.The UP bhaiyya and the Bihari babu are not isolated. They mingle with the flow comprising of about 15%of the population and that cannot be just ignored as migrants.The average Maharashtrian today,is probably not as insecure as the political gimmicks would make them look like. Alls peaceful,people just want to do their own bit.
The issues of urbanization,soaring price of real estate or the economic growth of the city have darker and lighter shades that cannot have one single point of reference. It needs to be looked at like mature people who would want progress of a nation state.
If the Raj Thackerays of the world are genuinely interested for a good future of the city of Mumbai lets not waste time-inclusive of air-time,energy and create panic through these kind of high-profile agitations against chat pujas.Blaming Mumbai's problems on the economic migrant to me is just not taking responsibility, for not acknowledging that the serious crisis is the crisis of governance.

The drama that unfolded last evening of an arrest and then granting of bail...it was just a loss or resources and all mediums giving into the drama.
For sanity's sake,its the 21st century,we have good things to look forward to and fight a lot of evils,lets not create several Kashmirs all over the country where one is greeted as guest from another land.
Its my country and I bloody well have the right to be wherever I want to be, as long as I am civil.
Another day where democracy put me down, as if the communists looking for their ground by conceptualizing a Third Row was not enough to deal with, as if identity politics does not have too many dimensions,as if I do not have enough issues.

on a cold morning.....

It was stressful week,almost those mad times.
And then I just decided to break the shackles.....and cried a little to Blue to lighten myself. After all of that I met happy people, poo n paw, poo by the way is the newest member of the happy club;met her under the random spell but completely adorable.
Then we went for a konkani dinner, walked through Carter Rd, puffed hookah and then ended up in Marriott over coffee, and chatted about old times and those existential questions. I wonder how again I can have met these two people almost accidentally and then life just has giggles.
It is not that difficult to be happy, I guess the blocks come with emptiness and expectations. Thats the only obstacle, everything else gets taken care of. Blue is very right, the problem lies within me.

But all said and done, it was a very very cold night.And then three slightly crazy people walking down the streets of Santacruz which recorded the lowest temp. in Mumbai. Heyo a cold night leading to a cold morning....the next plan of action is to explore more about life and happiness and making best use of fleeting times.....
For more moments to unfold and treasured.....

Happy Republic Day

BRAINLESS

The state of mind at this point of time is not even brain dead…seems it is brain less…. Ahhhhhhhh….
Work is been very very boring today, to the extent that I feel like puking and getting it out of my system.
What do I feel like doing? Well ahhmmm….I feel like going for a drive and get drenched in the rain and have a cup of coffee, not talk or even think. Do I want to do it alone? Well I do not know seriously….. I mean the only person I think I wanna be with is TB, he is not the questioning type, off late I have been missing him; the reason is very simple, he has broken the shackles of the vicious cycle (I hope, n pray…please u have right?)
Anyways Mumbai seems scary today because at this hour everyone is working whereas what I want to do now is find people, go to some nice sea facing house and then have wine there and pass out. Maybe I am also looking for interesting company today, just to blabber or maybe just to listen to them blabber about the universe, where nothing absolutely is real. Oh just re-read what I wrote….man I am superbly ambitious I must say….I want INTERESTING, RIGHT NOW AVAILABLE,NOT FAMILIAR COMPANY who can talk UNREAL!!!!!
Is the bug of loneliness spatting on me? Quite possible but not really, I mean I think its psychological.
However much I say that the caravan set up now seems something I am immune to, I guess I am very very unhappy about it, I mean I jus want a space where I can happily go back to. Calvin I miss your space. And this damn week man….its blooooddddyyyy long. I wanted to make sure if I was the only one fooling myself but P, S, R everyone seems to agree to me, therefore I am on the right track 
I donno why I am happy about that? Its like in a seemingly small week nothing really changes and so will it be now, just that I will have to deal with all the irritation for TWO full days. I can look forward to Friday and then to the Saturday, both the days I have nice people o catch up with, part of the unreal almost you see.

So what is the crux of my problem now?
People? Not really….I have a few who like me, so I am satisfied. I am happy that most of who like me also can stand me. And I can also stand them. So am I unhappy with work? Well definitely not, its been a blessing, I guess lets just not be so mean and say it is a BAD day at work and otherwise too………

Dun even bother…life's like that…shit happens and then again shit happens….
A familiar line, just the art director changes every time.

Lets give it another shot @ the PENDING things to do on the list...........

Snippets of the Senses.

It all started one day when I was coming back from some part of remote Kolkata and as we drove our way asking people about direction there was this strange phenomenon I chanced upon that never found space enroute the travelogue.
When I ask somebody about something (mostly directions), I make assumptions about the person. It can be either marked as judgemental or as intuition. Like when I am not sure about the destination I am looking for a ride where I know the other person-the cabbie, or the auto guy knows the way…..it is mostly a right hit and at crucial times I also get into the trap of people whose sense of direction is as whopped as mine.
It is just a reading of the person’s face and is quite an interesting exercise. And a lot of times it is quite fun because they not only lead you to the wrong lane or bylane but they also confidently tell you about every other road apart from the one you are looking for. On the sunny side the right direction comes to my way bang on when I am least expecting it. I was wondering what do I call it…..the phenomenon of understanding whether people know directions to my destination by looking at their face when I myself do not have any clue of that direction. Face reading would be undermining it, largely inappropriate. May be when I manage to finish reading all vocabulary books I would have an idea. But till date it has been an interesting venture, something that I have enjoyed thoroughly, and at times it has also led me spend a few extra bucks.

That was the sensation of vision.
From there let me narrate the immense sense of smell which has never been more emancipating.
Went to Olypub the other day and the smell of alcohol, smoke and the ambience of the space made me feel ‘wooaaahhooo, this is what life is all about’. And I could not believe that as my companion ended up on beef steak and beer I chanced on Nimbu pani! Now that’s THE example of self control. So I love Oly irrespective of alcohol. That same day I watched Die Hard, and the best description is that exaggeration becomes entertaining. As I was drawing parallels with it and the illogical Bollywood films (ignore the generalization) the film partner described it as “ultralogical”. And ultralogical is also the word for explaining the fact that even when we do have all the answers heading to doomsday the attraction is very severe. As I have had these series of conversations with a friend trying to draw the logic that certain emotional investments do not lead us anywhere I ended up having reduced parallels. Difficult to explain, but ya….ultralogical. But somewhere from the series of experiences I have come to believe trusting people is a highly risk-taking venture! We all have our set of beliefs and equations and that definitely means acceptance, denial, feeling great and feeling not so great. And as my convenient self would want to prove it I would do anything that anyone asks me to do as long as it is done my way! The conclusion therefore is Power is at the epicentre of relationships! This can lead to a series of debates and give birth to several theorems and several more to prove/un-prove them.

And then old ties were renewed and what was funny was after a prolonged absence of seven years it seemed very easy to have been back to being known strangers. I guess it cannot be like die hard friends again, and that is too much to expect maybe. There was a birth of some regrets but the naval fragrance had travelled a very long way, maybe for better, hope not for worse. Often in the madness of life this was the first time in a long time I wished I had paused, taken a deep breathe and waited to hear myself. And ya it was not strong enough for any one of us to have stood up for all that we shared. Strange thing called colors of life. And it was not such a nice feeling to know that I could hurt someone too with all my might. But then let bygones be bygones. Lets see if the new roads can be walked together. But at the same time I realized that with some friends who have seen you grow, there is a comfort level beyond explanation. It was like sitting with a book on a rainy afternoon, and the happiness lies in the fact that no matter how ever much you feel it is an old tattered book, the content, the familiarity and the bitter-sweet memories are the elements of inane attraction.

Chennai was another experience, of a level beyond comprehension to my own self. The self destructive phenomenon was at its peak and I felt uncomfortable about the wreck that I had turned myself into. There is soooooo much that I have to do, but the deadening enthusiasm or the killer procrastination had taken a complete toll. Nothing helped. It is not even that the enthusiasm s all back and life is hunky dory but it is not the wreck…..it is the silent vegetative state. Certain realizations definitely have kept me at an ease; For the Nth time I feel the romantic angle in life is miserable. Gawd how so well I know a settled romance thing is not my forte; everything else can change but the core ; ) and I cannot even say it with any conviction, one never knows what turn emotions would take.
The nicer thing was Soulmediam8 is back to Mumbai and suddenly she seems to be closer by, almost like she was; like every first time. I know things would change for her and with each time life will be different but the fact of solace in thoughts would remain intact with a few good men and women is probably the almost extinct feeling of certainty. The other grand feeling was to hear Fukcr’s voice after succchhhh a long time, like I had never felt such an upheaval of affection for him.

Midst all of this mayhem Dumbhead provides me with a lot of solace. The nicest thing about him is the sense of determination that he is filled with and I get a sense of certainty from him. Ya as Jyo’s post said about the end point, with Dumbhead you know there is no end. Thanks to the almighty for one conviction where I do not see uncertainty. I miss all the times when we could just not say a word, hug each other and walk through lanes of being opaque. Missing you…..and whatever…..
People definitely can be a source of anecdotes and at the same time there are often times when the same people completely make you feel wish you hadn’t known the human kind. We all are very mundane and clichéd, beyond a point nobody has variety and everybody is stagnating-ly annoying. In my quest to find the constantly interesting and engaging persona, I end up getting disappointed about the human kind, and I lead the clan. A dead vegetation, getting caught in silly nonsense of men fighting over women, adults not knowing what are priorities, and people endlessly whiling away their time over a never-ending whole of nothing. At one level over the weekend as I was happy to see friends reuniting, on the other hand I could see the inane desire of the actors to get back to the old rut. How very shady was the feeling to know of friends who lack sense of direction. But as my dear comrades would say, we live one life and we do not know the value of each second; so if we do not know what we are losing out on….just another experiential loss. You can help someone with the direction to the treasure during the hunt, you cannot get the treasure for someone else. And I refuse to do it from the August Axis!

As I am a self proclaimed contradictory persona therefore I would come back to the aspect of people again. Old friends….My anchor for life accompanied with the man in black n white was here, its probably very very easy to just slide down time and become kids again. The whole day I just laughed, without reason, and pain, in the evening things that I would never have done in the present day ‘image’ I sat and did that….talked nonsense without thoughts or fears of being mis-read! I guess we can do that in two circumstances. When you are in the company of friends who have seen you cry because you were not selected as the sports team captain or with strangers who know too little about you.
The strange thing about the nonsense was birth of a coloured love story – The orange-green story with a known stranger!!!!!
I need to now go and finish that lovestory that will be sometime be treated as a masterpiece in the history of innovation.

P.S - Was TRYING really hard to get a common link to this piece but still have not succeeded much….too many incoherent thoughts and probably makes no sense at large.

EnRoute

What a day after ages.....wasn't in an upbeat mood,thanks to the rains that seemed never ending.....after a long sleep caught up with trublu for Bong connection
The Bong Connection!
The film is the actor,singer,musician Anjan Dutta s tribute to Ray's unvanquished character Apu! Set in Houston and Kolkata, the film was upbeat and surely a nice collage of the Bong Brigade in both parts of the two countries.

Apu(Parambrata)is an IT professional who aspired for big and moved to Houston for a plush career and life,Kolkata was dead and stagnant for him. So he left behind his roots and his lady love. He discovered a whole new world,starting from Mexican goons to homosexuals to illegal immigrants to confused youngsters grappling with values.It was just in time he realized home is where the roots are,where the heart lies.Trust Parambrata to play the bhalo bangali chhele(good bengali boy!) with ease!

Andy(Shayan Munshi)is a musician from New York who comes to Kolkata to discover his roots and create music,from Someplace Else(the only pub in Kolkata i guess)to Advertising Jingles to Swabhumi to Shantiniketan, Andy explored the music he wanted to create.But as he would want it,it never worked out that way! And beyond the frustration of lazy Kolkatans he found himself caught in Family feuds and love unrequited.Chirpy,colourful,sensitive character and Shayan did a good job of it.

Rita(Pia RC)plays the probasi bangali girl,confident,bratish confused...this ex channel v veejay seemed to fit into the tee.Nothing very great about the character struck me except during her exit she was subtle and drove the point home.

Sheela(Raima Sen)is the girl from Kolkata,Apu's girlfriend who silently fell in love with Andy but did not say that. She believed in her roots very strongly and as a character Sheela was to die for! A very level headed fun loving girl who was modern and also valued commitments.And her undertone was definitely with a lot of grace.Raima needs no introduction about her acting skills.And full marks to the director for sculpting a character so good.

The cinematography of the film was good,in comparison to the earlier ones in the league,the art direction definitely had scopes of improvement and so was the light design,it was monotonous at several points. But ya the direction definitely needs kudos to the way Dutta did work around the humour element to this bongs delight!
The music of the film lacked freshness though a trilingual try for a score was a decent try.I dunno how Rabindrasangeet admirers and critiques would say about Pagla Hawa but to me it was a nice innovation!

Thats so much for the film, as a tribute to Ray's Apu trilogy it definitely had weaved in the time element.The fact that Soumitro was around did make a difference,for old times sake...it did stir the old loves! The fact that Apu returned discovering himself,mending ways and unvanquished,it made a difference.And got me thinking!
And then I met Sanjana and Aruna and it seemed I breathed again,breathed the smell of familiarity! Good old TISS days,they just seem marvellous.

Since the time I have been in Kolkata it is just plain frustration,I knew I did not love the air as much and often struggled with loyalty issues. Is it true we all return to the roots,is it true we all are so uncomfortable and lose our way midst all the green and yellow pastures in a new space? Well once again I am trying to remember old times and fall in love with homeland,adjusting,trying to crib less and be more open to the offerings as exists today!
There is so much that I have learnt from the city,school,college,friends,I mean the place you are born n brought up,there is just lotz in there.The first smoke,the first love,the first frame,the first kiss,everything.

Apu reminded me of Littlelight,we used to sit together in the ninth standard and do nonsense,thats how we became foes;we used to beat each other up and till about a couple of years back I had not realized our relationship had matured beyond the quarrels. We read and we talk the random language....I had thought none of these Science whizos from school would be remotely interested in the random-ness,which interestingly he is. Littlelight is an ardent critique.Anyways,drawing parallels between him and Apu was just because he has gone for a project to US,NY,also I fairly got an idea how homesick he also might get;but he does not think Kolkata is dying,he thinks its reviving and would always want to come back here,unbeaten!And compared to that I have not really missed Kolkata,after a point I thought and still think Mumbai is the place but thats what I had thought about Kashmir,or Dehradun.

So basically no matter how this city reminds me of the first rooftop rain or milieu and paras pathor n discovering a new chapter through that,no matter how I think I would runaway to Mumbai,its actually that I am a traveller,so I cannot have a space that I can call my own space. Or lets say I do not have roots,I was born somewhere,I grew up somewhere else,I discovered myself somewhere,I found love somewhere and then I realized there was nowhere I really belonged!I am struggling to find a niche,even where I have grown up.I hear voices often of places where I want to be,but it does not happen that way.What happens is hoping desperately for the time when one can severe all that is known,the so called social system that I am a part of and just live an alienated life,exploring,meeting people,learning and creating.I do not want to be responsible,for things that are not valued. I want to live my life where the place I am in is mine,its not a Bong connection but a connection that gives me the next clue enroute the dream I have been looking for.

Cancer Vixen’s Life in a metro!

This piece of work is an emotional outburst inspired by Marissa (Cartoonist with New Yorker Times!) and Anurag Basu (Filmaker from Mumbai)

At least now I know that my autobiography will fetch me quite a lot of money! I am almost on the fast-track, soon to have some thing like motorcycle diaries!
There r some lumps in the intestine that are cancerous in nature.
Well my cool attitude did not work! As in Mumbaiiya I would say ‘Phaat gai hai meri’(I am screwed). The day I gotta know about this I was stoned. Different people had different reactions, n today I cannot handle people who love me go through the whole deal of anxiety. And it is first stage and curable. So why worry? On the second layer…..What are my panic points? What if a surgery, not coz of the surgery but the radiotherapy/radiation that will follow!!!! And the several anxieties, I am at the onset of a wonderful worklife, I haven’t lived with parents in a very long time, so haven’t been answerable. I have not earned enough money to have saved so when I get home I am broke! And I have been very active for the last three years, no lulls….l love drinking, smoking and red meat. And all of this is a complete NO! There is still no verdict to sex yet, but one never knows what is the next step in store! And Sash for giving me the brighter side of the story said, think about it, u would be completely detoxified and therefore glowing with inner radiance! Ya Right, even she knew what she was talking about!
So is there practically anything I need to worry about? Yessss! I will be jobless, sick, and may become ugly soon after the radio! Then what? All my x,y,z fashion statements are down the drains  Not that I am some chhammak chhallo but for the presentably cool quotient…. That’s worrisome. My newly done hair colour, my essentially interesting wardrobe… (sniff, sniff) and of course the whole worldview changing. Why was I the chosen one? Seems like I have not had enough!
Ya, I m feeling pathetic, when off late the panic attacks happen and then my mobility is gone for a toss it is bloody depressing!

Life in this city has been like a dream. I guess I will have to give it to Toxic Bachelor and the never ending discussion at a café in Kolkata that does not exist anymore, I had landed in Mumbai. Being in the city under the guidance of whizos like NRG n Mesho was a revelation! Mumbai was raindrained, under tulsi pipe lives were struggling to exist and I land up in the 24 n ½ floors in Marathon Heights n then the next one week I had lived the crème of the city and started my journey into Buddhism. The next living space was a friends place in Navy Nagar and my first brush with the lifeline of Mumbai, the local trains….wow! Even today I am amazed at the number of people who commute. And the trains have been the first traces of all kinds of lives breathing in the same nest, from corporate honchos to ‘apna gulli ka abdul bhai’ everyone travels together. Yes the stark inequality prevails through the first class and the second class. The difference in the full circle is in the second class it’s the smell of body odour, pure, unadulterated and in the first class it is the deodorants and perfumes!

Anyways from there I had started my journey to TISS. Wow the magical two years-people,places, experiences, learnings, lifeskills and transformations in me as a person. It weird how I saw changes and how I learnt there is nothing called right and nothing called wrong. However we might love black and white, greys rule! From outstanding people like Anshu or Rama or stories of Altaf Sir, sparks of Brilliance from Nagraj, Lobo or the engrossing classes of KPJ and the hottest faculty that turned out to be Sam’s bro its just been like a dream. If at one hand I knew Shiva on the other hand I also knew Bharath. Or suddenly in the land of Deonar I found cherry blossom in the drhrt Aj avtaar;If Sam spoke about Quran Sharif I would wonder the concoction of Jihad and the passion in Tarique would reason it out. Very caring seniors or supersweet Juniors, it seems there was nobody who was bad, if there was one Taranga in class there was also one Prakash, if Father Paul had his plethora of knowledge so was Gulrez’s convictions and fire within that made life in Room no XI so exciting. (Well I am so sure I never thought it was so interesting while I sat there). The TPC CSR or envisioning and trying to build up SAHER. The madness during Mumbai Floods or the historic relief work during tsunami…every experience has been for lifetime and I have never for a moment felt stagnated! And the literal travel around India from Kanyakumari to Kashmir life was a roller coaster ride-till the Cancer attacked!

The city is my dream, after TISS I got my first job in a microfinance consultancy firm, and breathed the first cheque! It was my ticket o complete freedom! It was an interesting learning and of course the emotional attachment of the first job. And people there, boy the variation is indeed stunning. The shade card would often go undefined for lack of words. But I had quit thinking it was not what I wanted to do when Point of View came my way, Bishakha is a super boss to work with. Rukmini and Pratiksha are amazing colleagues and u don’t even feel like its work, it seems fun at its best!
Right from the late night films to sitting by bandstand or Nariman Point, to Totos, 80s, Shack or Mondy’s or the amazing eateries in the city where few of them are like second home kitchen.
I cannot ever imagine the kind of friends I have met in that city. I met my soulmate in Mumbai, someone who has made me redefine life. She is just too special for me and I know I do not need words anymore for her. Dumbhead whose passion towards his goals have inspired me time and again, Fukcr whose zeal to live life midst greys is phenomenal. Munzu- the loyal communist buddy. Soulmediamate who has been my fighting spirit; And the several others who I will define in detail in my autobiography sometime! Someone like Satish who is friend with all the wise thoughts; sweetheart Ruchi and a very warm friend in Ashish (I still can’t believe what I had heard about him even before I met him, I can laugh my head off about that.) or one Rajeev who is an absolute darling! Rajesh, with whom I can speak tons of nonsense and still make sense. I met someone like Arjun Ray, who is a virtual stranger to me n yet it seems that we have been bumchums. There was Tiktiki with whom I did spend hours by sea discussing every lesser mortal’s existence. And also in tit bits of life meeting every single person has been a delight, absolute delight!

And of course I cannot ever even put in words meeting the quirk est feeling in a Mumbai pub. I mean I dunno how we walked by the Worli sea face or Bandstand or even from On the Platter to TISS when any distance seemed less for us. The Lint chocolates wrapped in the sweet nothings and travelling all the way to tell me today ‘u made me run around for good two months by acting busy’, swthrt I swear I was pretty busy;), synthetic thoughts was the sweetest revelation. It was also another revelation of an old relationship suddenly going out of the window, and I still have not figured out why my closest confidante vanished into oblivion.
Anyways, Quirk is the most wonderful thing that happened to me, it’s like taming the wild sea. With him I have learnt to enjoy silence and serenity. As individuals we are very different; he is the complacent, matured and level headed one, I have always been more spontaneous, wild, mad house. I still do not know how I got there; I do not know what attracted me to him. I do not know how on earth I gave up my treasured singleton status! Well however much I want to blame Sam n Dembla for it, its just the quirky charm that I fell for. And look at me today, I am actually committed, I am actually not into man-management anymore and most importantly I am much contended. Also life in the metro has been so memorable because of him. The whole aspect of some crisis would be dealt better because he would b around. At the same time I have completely smelt and absorbed freedom because of him. I never thought I could manage certain things n my own but I did, just because I took it on my ego trip and ha to prove it to him! On the other hand I have to be feeling really triumphant about the fact that this guy understands the need for space (I guess I was overjoyed when I understood that he understands the concept of space) and also that he is not an MCP or a patriarch. Its weird that he is probably the only man other than TB with whom the man-woman equation has not occurred! We have also seen our share of sunrise, flamingo sky and crescent moon at the same time we have also dealt with mundane realities of dal chawaal, no money at the end of the month and bills.
The concept of being together has reached a very matured level. We have our own issues, mostly because of other people’s precedence in life at different points (and often people we cannot ignore) but I do not know how having him around just takes care of everything. It is quite something as a revelation but the finer feminine sensibilities in me have been actualized probably for the first time with Quirk. Sunrise since the morning in December 2005 is especially beautiful. Or maybe its beauty awed me because I witnessed it after a long time. I crave to absorb beauty every moment -- completely soak up the aesthetic and have it pulsate through my veins, I want to wake up to the softer dawn forever and begin life in the arms of a dreamy reality called Quirk!

Ya now I know what it means again! While I was weaving such dreams and it was tuning into fine holistic embroidery the bacteria attacked.
So now after trying to fight the real estate boom, the terrible traffic, the awesome combination of Page 3 parties and Campaigns in Dharavi or finally finding the job that is 110% satisfying, I am now having to deal with movers and packers, biopsy reports, Tata Memorial Cabins and worried family and friends. In every practical sense being at Home is the obvious thing but I do not have a date to come back to Mumbai, I will not have things to do lists every Monday mornings and weekends will not be a complete delight!
Ok lets be fair, I am hoping to strike a fair deal ----.

I-the Cancer Vixen (cv)- Hey I will abide by all that’s prescribed and instructed

Cancer Bacterium (cb)- So? Your life do whatevr you want, dun worry we will not kill you

Cv – you dun understand I am gonna leave Mumbai, n life is gonna become very dull

Cb- so? You should have thot about this earlier and not invited us

Cv- grrr…. I ddn invite you guys, comeon

Cb- well babe lets jus accept it, you were plaintively irresistible for us

Cv- u dun understand…. I am losing out on a lot of stuff in life

Cb- (breaks into cocky laughter) poor you, lets see what can be done!

Cv- dun ya worry, I wouldn’t give you guys so much of a liberty and will throw you out of your habitat today!

Cb- ya babe, lets hope for the best.

And thus the cancer vixen left Mumbai and all that made life in this metro soooo vry special. Series of medication, strong medicines, and almost no good food to eat is gonna be what her life will be all about but I am hoping that she gets to come back. And as for me, Love you Mumbai and see you soon darling, keep the heart beating, the trains running and lives living, till we meet again,soon.

20th June 2007
19.45 hrs.

The Tale of the matchbox

A very old friend announced her separation. The irony is she always wanted to be a homemaker, wife and mother. And she did fit the role to the T. Spoke to her only to discover she has learnt the hard way to lead a life single and rocking. I guess I will have to be upfront and say that’s the spirit of celebrating womanhood, celebrating life. I was happy with her thoughts for her future, I was happy to know she was ready to rock, to face it with all her might. You have a long way to go buddy, dun give up!

Another old relationship is in town, I guess we were friends too! This dude is set to start a new chapter of his life Post the fame of Fame-X. Meeting him was fun, the old memories of living in oblivion and never understanding the complex aspects of mundane-ity. I guess we were too occupied with each other then to lend anything else an ear. But there was a sudden discomfort in him that’s troubling me….maybe too old to be forgotten, too new to explain. In the process when I realized I was basking in the glory of my today, he seemed all the more surprised. Well often quirky things tame the wild west wind.

Mumbai is the place to be! But exactly living without a home is a funny thing! It makes you feel vulnerable though shrouds the insecurities of being homeless, these days I come back to a space that is perhaps the most comforting zone but the sense of ownership is zero. It hurts the superego but compulsion is the mother of tolerance and I guess that’s the why for the other person lending the shoulder seems ok midst the clouds of ego. The good part about it ofcourse is understanding ways of life and operations, for future reference, just in case. But patience has never been good friends with me, so I really do not know till when can I hang in there, maybe till eternity….. Lost the thought, seems very complicated!

Met two well established independent women today, meeting over wine seems to be the way of life!
One lives in with her partner for the last 12 yrs and another one is too stylish to be 40 and gives all credit to being single. They seem to be very happy about life, about their freedom. I am allured again, not that I need to decide tomorrow but ya being freeeeeee has its temptations. When 31 friends are getting married this year, the good thing seems the double income that makes life so easy in a space called Mumbai, or maybe the security of being married but trust me….being legally single is just about perfect! The physical drive is not the reason to be married for sure, long live the flings I have lived when I was wild (ok dun read it wrong, I dnt miss it, or lets just say the one man has a plethora of temptations to offer;) ) How I wish I can still pass my life as perfect as my dream, when after a pack up I am swept off my feet into a Merc and I land up in a glass house on the mountain top overriding the sea and have a cosy evening with the someone I love living with followed by barbeque, some whisky and wine and friends making merry all this while.
Crossroads…yet again. How I wish the rhetorical question of what next had an answer and the matchboxes would not die young because it ran out of match sticks.

19th February 2007
21:33 hrs.

The Windmill Baby

It was the story of the Black and the black who was loved by and loved the white. A rather interesting theatrical expression of Australian aboriginal culture was the production called Windmill Baby! It started with the depiction of simple pleasures of Life for £3.
The bonding of a family was too tempting through the testing times; you often would want to switch roles! And the spirit of Oneman, the disabled character, whose way of life was very new, very desirable. At the end when the black and white mating resulted to the procreation that was lost under the gamut of colors….it led me thinking deeply, what is the fault of the new life? It doesn’t even know about the color of life. I woke up to realize among those millions of things that we as people are fighting against color is one; that’s racism!….oh I am an Indian, my country sells more of the fairness cream than washing powder!
And before I forget Windmill Baby was a monologue and still I know about all the characters, as if they were neighbors.

20th Jan 2007
22:24 hrs.

The POT that Talks

A friend invited us over on this amazing evening to the Gateway…..after a day’s work the only reason to get there was with the hope of something new, a new revelation. By the sea the ambience was perfectly set. As a part of the Mumbai festival there were Australian Pole dancers who would perform on the poles. The festival started with the Mumbai song by Shankar of SEL. Its weird…the city is where I have been for just 3 yrs, but there is something very very attractive, something that keeps one aspiring for more, for better. The space never sleeps; survival has a new meaning every day! I was myself pretty amazed the way I related to the city.

The performance started….the artistes went up the pole and then as rightly one says…it came out of nowhwere….as if out of the air, like magic.
The 45 mins that they performed on the pole captured everything one could feel in a moment, a day, or a lifetime.
The way the script built the performance was just regular, yet so real and true….probably that’s why it is said getting used to at pattern also has its own charm! They performed from happiness in fondness to love to heartbreak to jealousy, envy and coming back to where the heart belongs. I was astounded the way they performing up there made so much sense to someone 20 feet down. Midst the performance another snippet of the other side, as it was an open air performance, there were a bunch of kids who made their entrance in the performing arena quite nonchalantly. They moved all over often distracting the space and the mood. A few times that one could not stop them Divya just took the naughtiest one and made him sit on his lap, the others followed the sign of acceptance and found spaces in the front rows with the whose-who of Mumbai. Divya, was the festival director and this ‘not trying to make a point’ gesture of his, brought the true spirit of coexistence of extremes that symbolizes the city, together. Wow! The sight got better when as the ending note these children danced with the artistes midst hundreds of people. That’s really amalgamation of culture, of hearts and not to miss, the smiles on the faces of those less fortune, of those innocent little ones whose way of life is more uncertain than existence itself.

The performance had woken a few closed doors. Thanks to Tirtho, I found myself sitting at Nariman Point trying to discover life! (And I have come to realize I am obsessed with philosophizing!!! Certainly the Bong thing) and came up with something as strong as how certain individuals I know have had a very futile existence. Talk about being critical and upfront! For all that I gathered even Tirtho was taken aback. On the contrary as I was reliving the boon of field realities that I received the quirky call narrating experiences in a jaccuzi. Contrast never got better!
I traveled back home with oodles of memories and thoughts about voids.

16th January 2007
01:24 hrs

To Heaven and Back

A small phase of life has changed so much of me as a person and has given me so much training that has seeped in never to let go of it and that phase is called TISS. From water to communities every door was opened and I was received with all the warmth. And most importantly have met some wonderful people whose being there has made the otherwise tough daily living a blessing.
Fukcr was in town and so was Lil princess and Etrnl friend. The soul-media-mate and the Dumbhd were also dressed in the aura of old times!
The 36 hours were very precious. After long did I laugh at the nothings! And the laughter would not stop.
It refined and there is enough reserve to sustain till the heaven opens its door again and we live our precious sweet nothings before the crude daily life dawns!
Love you guys and thanks for being there.

18th Dec. 2006,Mumbai

SUTIRTHO

Presidency days brings back old memories,very colorful ones. The first step to understand ideologies, academicia and jargons….Socialism, Democratic left, New left. The frown to Capitalists and the isms attached to that and ofcourse the carefree life filled wit flavoured smoke an the transparent and semi transparent liquid made me feel that revolution was just around the corner and all one needs is Passion.
Met Sutirtho, an old friend from College, with whom I was not really friends. All I knew of him was a nice guy whose smile had a lot of warmth. Life has changed for both of us….I mean for all of us rather. He had been in Dehradun and dedicated himself to wildlife research. And therefore life has opened another new vista, has brought him to other crossroad called inane Reality.
By the sea it was some strange connection, our hearts in the field, midst people and the several life experiences, as if we sensed it all about one another’s profession.
And yes as rightly tirtho said when dearest friends complain about changing priorities, a relook to old monk in a new space is a refreshing delight.
Long live Red….and the Blue, Green, Yellow, Black, Grey……

14th Dec 2006,Mumbai

The third eye-Sexuality

This piece was long pending. One would like to write about relationships-man-woman in a different context and names. Man-woman, woman-woman, man-man as being friends, soulmates etc.etc. but how much do we want to discover the sexuality beneath that? Sex is exciting, adventurous, discovery, curiosity but how many of us really look beyond male chauvinism and female oppression? This piece is my very own journey of discovering the other concepts of sexuality.
Theoretically! Academically! And there can be endless debates and discussions, their spaces and ideas changing with geographical boundaries, political atmosphere, economic boom and depression and of course convenience.

Sex workers have not been alien. Personally never had a bias for or against them; it was a profession like any other, people into it for their set of reasons. Back in Kolkata in Sonagachhi their stories have been a source of inspiration, their spirit of life had led to the formation of a new lifeview. And this time it was unfolding a new set of realities in a different boundary of geographical space, suddenly the Community Development seminar paper on Legalization of Prostitution seemed so naive.

It was the last day at this space which is VAMP’s space, the space for Sangram,the place where 1000s of Durgas and Pandus and Bhimvas have stopped sympathizing about their lives,they take pride in their own struggle. They fight for their rights, they are aware of their importance in the circle of reason, they live in Sangli, a district in Maharashtra like the ones who live here like the one who own the air, water, land.
The first day I came in here,their closeness with Divya (Divya Bhatia- Point of View’s consultant director for the Sangram Theatre Project)instilled a faith that they connect with our world beyond professional boundaries. Landing in Sangram was like any other field trip till I met the MSMs (Men having Sex with Men-not Gay/Homosexuals because that aspect of the alternative sexuality is far more privileged according to the MSMs.) It was quite uncomfortable. Rest of them was like us, just the difference in their realities and the difference in their profession and the way the mainstream society perceives them. As I said I did not have moral stands but meeting them at such close quarters, seeing them rehearse midst all the hustle and bustle, I took a look at my own self…..the complains of life seemed to have lost its own way.
From the 17th to the 21st of November passed by only to make me realize the mainstream women who are academically qualified or socialized in a different space are probably more victims of oppression or what we term as majboori. After a point of time we look for sympathy. We only would be independent to say ‘oh I am independent’, but the spirit of being free, the real independence lies I them whom we consider lesser mortals and have huge moral issues with.
I had read about Shabana in Bish’s edited work of Unzipped. Meeting her in person did not even seem she had a storm which she did withstand. Durga was another extremely intelligent woman. Her story was an evidence of her being really humane at the core. When she discovered she was HIV+ she told her maalak (the man who is a long and loyal customer to the sex worker, whom she considers to be the husband irrespective of his marital status in his life).Her maalak stood by for sometime but it did not work out for long.Durga is now a peer educator with Sangram and has been without a man for the last ten years.
Bhimva and Kamala Mausi were like these two sweetheart people who were like the agony aunts and really affectionate. Pardon if I am playing favourites but at small issues when it would show on my face their one liners ‘tension lene ka nehi, dene ka theek hai?’ would bring the smile back on my face.
Both of them are Gharwalis (the head mother who has girls working under her, she negotiates with the clients, with the police or the local goon or other nuisances). Their stories have been wild, living upto the respect of the word. I considered doing drugs or rave parties or sneaking out of the house at wee hours or the IC-SFI politics in college wild! And I guess that’s hardly wild in comparison.

Several others but Preeti has been the friend, she left studies in the 9th standard due to some physical ailment. She is not a dhandewali….Bhimva’s never even allowed he shadow to cast its eye on Preeti. She has been also harassed, so now stays in the other home. But what is commendable is Preeti’s daily life. Her day starts at 6 and ends around 1.Apart from the household humongous work she has her surrogate child (her brother’s youngest daughter to take care of.
It is theatre that brings them together, its their space to forget the worries of life, of dhanda, familial tiffs or the ordeals of not having condoms on the best earning time-the weekends.

The other bunch was the MSMs. My first interface with this group. Very vocal about themselves; complete stars, cannot forget their talents or their tantrums though! Pandu in my opinion is the best performer, he does outdo Aishwarya or Madhuri for anything for one Dola re. Bhausaheb’s voice is angelic or Mahesh the MSM who did the mehandi on my hands. Some intricacy, that comes only with dedication. But what I have not been able to discover is their inner selves, their stories, how do they feel about their bodies, their sexuality and identity? And how do they align themselves or run parallel to the mainstream? But yes, what excites me is their exuberance, their attitudes!
My second interface with the MSMs was in PSI in Mumbai. Dressed in complete filmi garb,they live life as per their rules. Two questions whose answers has led me to the unlearning of the concept of sexuality was when we asked them if they would be born again,what would be their sexual identity…men or women. While on one hand the question itself had a conceptual error of not including the third sex, one group’s answer that I wanna execute my rights on a woman, so want to be born s a man was unnerving whereas the other saying mind of a woman now lets have a body of hers as well let me thinking about how it might feel. One of them promptly answered that she wants to be born as a eunuch citing the attention she gets in being one.
The second question of whether it is right to touch a woman’s breast on the road, tease her and make a pass at her? One group vehemently said no, explained it as izzat ka ulanghan. The other individual’s answer that its right because ‘woh to meri chahat hai’ had shook me. The thin line between love, likings, lust and izzat ka ulanghan had hit me hard.
On further discussion with Bishakha, she explained that the alternative sexual preferences often look for acceptance and therefore emphasize on the physical display of affection and fondness.
And probably that also validated all of our insecurities with regular or alternative sexual preferences and our desperate desire to be accepted.
The phenomenon of a huge ego and a very low self esteem is contextual, often individual and finally ones own choice!

10th Dec 2006,Mumbai

FULL CIRCLE.....yet Again

How life takes a U-turn and u get back to where u started from, the Kolkata trip was very eventful, even before I took the flight….the scrutiny of my education, my independence and my intentions about one of my most beloved people was threatened. I don’t know how I came out but I am glad I could withstand the storm. Somewhere I agree it still has remnants but ya too little perhaps for a spirit like Life!
Going back to good old Kolkata has always been a pleasure. All said and done, the homecoming was as secure as it could get. Mom is always such a pleasure, every time the way she reignites the dampened enthusiasm and fills u with hope of confidence of a better tomorrow. Moonchai has grown up, new avenues opening up, new spirits and emotions. I figured I am very different with her. I am so protective and possessive about her that I can actually kill. It’s a different feeling and a good one too…..All I hope now is indomitable success for her!
Pujo was special, the changing priorities and friends and landscapes…..and suddenly how dear old Kolkata has become so important and a part of my existence. So much so that I made sure friends from Hyderabad also gets a lifeview of it.

Met some interesting people, The S factor in the LSE returned bohemian capitalized Socialist was rather a revelation. And also as much as discovering a lifelong friend in someone who came so close to make me open up, all thanks to Arup Bose. I am awed by his sensibilities…..and the fact that he is a man, his intricate understandings made me restore my faith even if the other two important men did let me down. I guess that is the reason that even if we lose faith life leads us to believe in all over again. Toxic Bachelor is lost in the wilderness of performing the balancing acts. But I truly pray that life never ever goes out of focus for him. Old school pals and their set of realities have also been so special, reinforced once again. I often feel guilty about Littlelight but the sad part is that he has given up on me, thanks to my fleeting existence.

Back to Mumbai was a different experience all together, change in paradigms maybe. And finally decided to give up on the buzz of business generation, was missing the edge of love, life and something that is driven with passion, thankfully things fell into place and I m on my way to build the new point of view. It was difficult, loyalties in question, hurt emotions, and all that surrounds the sentiments of the first job.
And at that juncture the lil princess tired in the highway came to good old Mumbai. A new innings for her as well, the big good old institution of marriage! Slightly insecure, about how things can change or will change with time and people. But on second thoughts how does it matter with distance for souls, they are beyond the obvious, they transcend boundaries!

There is the air of marriage all around. Really do not know How easy or Difficult is it to get there but at the same time it is a revelation, of responsibilities and being with someone through the mysteries of life….was wondering if it costs the loss of the wild, free spirit storming all over the sky….if it means my dreams of being a true bohemian will die an early death. But the best lesson and game in life is the balancing act, sometimes across mountains, sometimes in air….and to scale success it is important to climb a new peak everyday……will make sure that Life has new peaks and I climb every mountain with might.

13th October 2006,Mumbai,02:45 hrs

Another NeW DesTiNation

When I was getting my plans fixed for Hyderabad, Priyo Bondhu(Dear Friend)- the musical album from Anjan Datta, a well known Calcutta based singer, director and actor flashed across my mind. It said, “abar notun shahor, noton manush, noton jayega,…..majhe majhe nijeke khub sekorheen mone hoi” ( again yet another new city, new people, places….at times it feels I dun have roots)
But at the same time the bohemian, fleeting mind is always thirsty for it….the age old description that encompasses the deep feeling of conflicting considerations.
The arrival to Hyd was beautiful; the sun was setting across the Hussain Sagar Lake….parallels….the advent of the hidden pearl in my life. The calmness of the city and the historical whispers were interesting.
Anyways the challenges at work place seem to be coming through. I kind of like the energy of the office and the only goal is going back to Mumbai would be optimum self motivation. Going back to the field was equally good! People!!!!! Anyways I have to thank my colleague for the best south Indian lunch since the time I came back from B’s place. Met with this really really old neighbor. Years have flown in between but he still manages to irritate me as much. But the change of the worldview was a welcome change and I did let my confusions out for a while. And to my surprise sweetheart stories also saw the light of the night; I did not even know it existed!
Beyond the materialistic challenges the quirk conversation of life and afterlife was rather interesting that set me thinking, ‘what if the edge gives in and I fall into the deep blue sea?’ but the risk, love, lust, and excavating what is beyond the horizon, all of this appetite is the biggest drive….waiting to see how the future unfolds. And thus I hit the dance floor to let loose….

14TH Sept.2006
02:45 hrs.

Up ThRE iN the SkY....

One of those mad days when I was running with the fast pace of the commercial capital of the country, trying to fit myself with the struggle for survival and by the end of it all it was the lackadaisical old Calcuttan who decided against the lifeline of Mumbai, the trains. I settled for a luxury of the auto. At one of the signals there are always kids selling something or begging…..and in their hands did I see the Indian tricolor only to realize that the Independence Day celebration was nearing. Sad how we have forgotten the national day of attaining freedom in the quest of liberating ourselves!
Anyways refused the usual ones, and then suddenly the glitter of the innocent eyes caught my attention. It added to say a lot more when I discovered the smile on this little ones face. At a distance oblivious of the difficulties and challenges of survival the little soul seemed a lost angel. Couldn’t resist the temptation, of a tête-à-tête with innocence. She came close. The soiled hands, the tattered clothes….external identity ceased to matter….i could have just been with this four year old lil girl for the smell of old me, untouched by crude reality till time stopped.
And then the sudden bustle of traffic made me realize how special those few moments were. A smile that jus restored the feeling of a beautiful life. I got a flag from her,priced rupees 5 only. And thought about the last 23 yrs of independence. Its worth every moment of celebration.
I am glad about who I am….of what I have and what I am gonna be.
Happy Independence Day.

13th August 2006
00.45 hrs

LifE-liNe

It’s been raining since morning, like one of those depressing days in the city that never stops. I woke up to remember the good old days of presidency college when chiro n myself would play mind games midst the torrential rains, it would rain so hard that the nearest vision would also be blurred. And now all of this seems such a distant past…..rush to work or else it’s an unpaid leave!
Had some other work in the the part of the city that’s called real Mumbai….Churchgate. I generally return by the Borivilli Fast but alas in the rush of time midst the swarming number of human faces jumped on to a Virar fast. Came back to work. Suddenly there was a rush of people from all around with the information of the series of cities in the city of Mumbai. Unnerved tried calling everyone I knew who travel by train. Couldn’t get through anyone who I knew was to travel by train…..could give anything to hear one word from them. Colleagues dropped me home. But someone screamed from inside….what did you do to save people’s lives….hundreds are dead, hundreds missing and you like million others will switch on the television for a breaking news? I still don’t know what was the guilt all about. All I know of is it was too overpowering for me to go all the way midst the chaos to Vile Parle. The road was blocked, hundreds of harrowed faces and the lost and diffident police force and flow of news with several versions. The woman nearby only said, ‘my son must have been dead, many have I just hope I find his body’. To tis I realized I had passed the way an hour before the tragedy happened….suddenly the otherwise not so important life seemed so precious. I had lost all courage and realized that its not so easy to just stand tall for all I know. I guess TISS had made me feel too much at home. The inadequacy of not having resources and the continuous ringing of the phone made me feel dizzy in the head…..unable to think thoughts and thus I returned back to the arms of familiarity. The night was terrible. The helplessness was killing….but proactive-ity was dead.
The dreams were familiar….the fall from the cliff, deep into the blue sea.
Indian Express-12th July 2006- Terror Tuesday.

July 13th 2006
00:48 hrs.