Chemical Imagination heard the musical nitrate junk

A series of earthly happenings and a mixed bag of emotions, resurfacing from the hollow cylinders to severing guilt loaded associations,to keeping ego at some far away highland to losing father figures like lightening on a scorching summer day.
I am almost coming to believe the equation of life can never be for a moment be balanced, and I remember in the ninth standard I would take a lot of pride in the balancing the chemical equations and score a 10 on 10. And then life said,no we cannot let this happen. A lunatic was born and have been on the streets since then,looking for the right space where the sets for the dream production could be constructed.
But it was after dribbling with the ball for a while the quest seemed to suddenly have colours of grey and brown.

Who said it was easy to find the right creative space in a country were natural disasters are results of faulty constructions,where more then half the population lives under Rs.55 a day. There having the means to construct ideas which are more often than not mainstream is a difficult proposition. It is almost an impossible to compromise on work qualities and methods in terms of form,content,ethics and aesthetics. It is a better idea to keep trying to breathe fresh air than to breathe carbon monoxide to survive. If survival was in question, guess one would not have ventured into the pool of uncertainty. If the conviction is compromised the 25 year old journey would be meaningless.
The fact that the only resource called confidence dies under the utmost pressure of personal ramblings is an alarm that one is giving into the vacuum of self pity. The superpower somewhere has blessed some lunatics with support systems that rarely comes by. A family to be there through times of trouble,A soulmate with open arms through basics of life, and Friends who know you for whatever colour you are washed with. And strangers to fill up gaps of crisis.
It takes a lot to let go but it takes a little more to keep it all together,sometimes time heals it for us and sometimes the hope puts the puzzles together to create a new picture than how it looked like years ago.
Rock on reiterated it for me.

The film was an average film but it seemed to have stories that I was born with,characters I have lived with and would always fondly remember the magic they still create in my life.


But it strengthened my believe in the passion and madness,to go wrong,be abandoned and then come back.I hope my friend on the highway manages to hit the roads soon.


This is what he most recently showed the world-Ya Allah
Dearest You,excuse me but you have to kiss the sky!

I hope dreams also come alive as my dear lil miss muffet paws es for a thought.

I felt speechless to hear about the demise of my best friend's dad,it was too unexpected to withhold any reaction. I do not know what it takes to believe in deaths,maybe it helps to become numb to it. However much we say it was better than suffering,I wonder if it is as easy as that. My losses has been deep,the losses I see around are deeper,but if that vacuum can be lived with as if you have that person in the next room;it is often a source of inspiration and strength. Easier said than done but somewhere it does mean living with the hope that forever is not just a concept. But at the same time forever does pain at times. I do not remember right now how is it said or who said it but if it does not pain enough,there was never enough passion or dedication.And as per Silent emotions bond with me for the last twelve years,Anjan Dutt's priyo bondhu describes it the best......'Bhalo lage sopner mayajaal bunte,bhalo lage oi akasher tara gunte',(Love weaving the magic mesh of dreams, Love counting stars far away in the sky) that's how we started and we are still travelling through our paths,often converging,often getting lost in smoky December nights.Dear Silent Emotion,may you have all the strength to overcome when things are getting tough, I know this too shall pass.

The Dark Knight has left an indelible impression,it is difficult to believe that till date actors like Heath Ledger lives on. For a lot of people his overdose was a sign of weakness. I do not know what it was,I just know he defined dedication for me in a different gamut altogether.



As Joker says 'The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules', I go back to my chemistry test and realize the mystical line between reality and illusion.
To live through this conflict is a way of life.

Random Thoughts of a Demented Mind

Why Demented?

1. The Knight Riders had the most dismal loss of the IPL series! Damn how on earth could they lose....so badly?????
2. I thought it would be a no pretentious trip over the weekend,where I could just be,but thts not happening,I dunno where the fifth element is coming from!
3. While speaking to a friend I realized there are so many of moments that I wish I could live again.
4. Lilight would not handle the going away too well,but I dont think I can nuture the distance even being virtual. I just do not have roots,as much as I still do not know if I ever had them,I also know I cannot handle them too well. The whole time and distance phenomenon and nuances of wired communication
5. After I am done with the course @ Pune I am going to have to look for another Job!

But random stuff is the one which emerges the winner for the day....out of the blue I decided to call this junior from college who as I figured is an Investment Banker now!!!!(I still cant believe such a soft sweetheart guy can be in such a tough career!)
Its been three god damn years but as it is said and I have been blessed with a lot of friends with whom I can get back as if we never parted this story took a similar turn.From drizzles in the lovers lane over complicated relationship issues to getting back in touch over Anjan Datta and Clint Eastwood. It is a happiness thats like the surprise rain on a scorching mayhem of May.
To add to the happy state of being Dumbhead and Myself ended our curfew of two months last evening. And as astonishing as it might be it was just yesterday I wrote to him saying I kinda now beginning to not handle his absence too well.

So as I can conclude and move over to research over the Hongkong Riots in 1966-67 (intrigued by Wai's rather phenomenal mindf***king creation 2046)I guess the dementia has been put to rest.
I guess I had to stop expecting what it will look like and and look at it to find out what it exactly looks like.
Cheers to being random.
Cheers to Gay couples in California being given the right to marriage and the promise that sexual preferences can be as personal and as obvious as ones right in a democratic country (here I mean the ideal democracy)and on second thoughts I presume if its California,India cannot be far behind.....

And how exactly dangerous can be an open heart? :)

01.56 hrs
May 17th 2008,Kolkata

EnRoute

What a day after ages.....wasn't in an upbeat mood,thanks to the rains that seemed never ending.....after a long sleep caught up with trublu for Bong connection
The Bong Connection!
The film is the actor,singer,musician Anjan Dutta s tribute to Ray's unvanquished character Apu! Set in Houston and Kolkata, the film was upbeat and surely a nice collage of the Bong Brigade in both parts of the two countries.

Apu(Parambrata)is an IT professional who aspired for big and moved to Houston for a plush career and life,Kolkata was dead and stagnant for him. So he left behind his roots and his lady love. He discovered a whole new world,starting from Mexican goons to homosexuals to illegal immigrants to confused youngsters grappling with values.It was just in time he realized home is where the roots are,where the heart lies.Trust Parambrata to play the bhalo bangali chhele(good bengali boy!) with ease!

Andy(Shayan Munshi)is a musician from New York who comes to Kolkata to discover his roots and create music,from Someplace Else(the only pub in Kolkata i guess)to Advertising Jingles to Swabhumi to Shantiniketan, Andy explored the music he wanted to create.But as he would want it,it never worked out that way! And beyond the frustration of lazy Kolkatans he found himself caught in Family feuds and love unrequited.Chirpy,colourful,sensitive character and Shayan did a good job of it.

Rita(Pia RC)plays the probasi bangali girl,confident,bratish confused...this ex channel v veejay seemed to fit into the tee.Nothing very great about the character struck me except during her exit she was subtle and drove the point home.

Sheela(Raima Sen)is the girl from Kolkata,Apu's girlfriend who silently fell in love with Andy but did not say that. She believed in her roots very strongly and as a character Sheela was to die for! A very level headed fun loving girl who was modern and also valued commitments.And her undertone was definitely with a lot of grace.Raima needs no introduction about her acting skills.And full marks to the director for sculpting a character so good.

The cinematography of the film was good,in comparison to the earlier ones in the league,the art direction definitely had scopes of improvement and so was the light design,it was monotonous at several points. But ya the direction definitely needs kudos to the way Dutta did work around the humour element to this bongs delight!
The music of the film lacked freshness though a trilingual try for a score was a decent try.I dunno how Rabindrasangeet admirers and critiques would say about Pagla Hawa but to me it was a nice innovation!

Thats so much for the film, as a tribute to Ray's Apu trilogy it definitely had weaved in the time element.The fact that Soumitro was around did make a difference,for old times sake...it did stir the old loves! The fact that Apu returned discovering himself,mending ways and unvanquished,it made a difference.And got me thinking!
And then I met Sanjana and Aruna and it seemed I breathed again,breathed the smell of familiarity! Good old TISS days,they just seem marvellous.

Since the time I have been in Kolkata it is just plain frustration,I knew I did not love the air as much and often struggled with loyalty issues. Is it true we all return to the roots,is it true we all are so uncomfortable and lose our way midst all the green and yellow pastures in a new space? Well once again I am trying to remember old times and fall in love with homeland,adjusting,trying to crib less and be more open to the offerings as exists today!
There is so much that I have learnt from the city,school,college,friends,I mean the place you are born n brought up,there is just lotz in there.The first smoke,the first love,the first frame,the first kiss,everything.

Apu reminded me of Littlelight,we used to sit together in the ninth standard and do nonsense,thats how we became foes;we used to beat each other up and till about a couple of years back I had not realized our relationship had matured beyond the quarrels. We read and we talk the random language....I had thought none of these Science whizos from school would be remotely interested in the random-ness,which interestingly he is. Littlelight is an ardent critique.Anyways,drawing parallels between him and Apu was just because he has gone for a project to US,NY,also I fairly got an idea how homesick he also might get;but he does not think Kolkata is dying,he thinks its reviving and would always want to come back here,unbeaten!And compared to that I have not really missed Kolkata,after a point I thought and still think Mumbai is the place but thats what I had thought about Kashmir,or Dehradun.

So basically no matter how this city reminds me of the first rooftop rain or milieu and paras pathor n discovering a new chapter through that,no matter how I think I would runaway to Mumbai,its actually that I am a traveller,so I cannot have a space that I can call my own space. Or lets say I do not have roots,I was born somewhere,I grew up somewhere else,I discovered myself somewhere,I found love somewhere and then I realized there was nowhere I really belonged!I am struggling to find a niche,even where I have grown up.I hear voices often of places where I want to be,but it does not happen that way.What happens is hoping desperately for the time when one can severe all that is known,the so called social system that I am a part of and just live an alienated life,exploring,meeting people,learning and creating.I do not want to be responsible,for things that are not valued. I want to live my life where the place I am in is mine,its not a Bong connection but a connection that gives me the next clue enroute the dream I have been looking for.

Another NeW DesTiNation

When I was getting my plans fixed for Hyderabad, Priyo Bondhu(Dear Friend)- the musical album from Anjan Datta, a well known Calcutta based singer, director and actor flashed across my mind. It said, “abar notun shahor, noton manush, noton jayega,…..majhe majhe nijeke khub sekorheen mone hoi” ( again yet another new city, new people, places….at times it feels I dun have roots)
But at the same time the bohemian, fleeting mind is always thirsty for it….the age old description that encompasses the deep feeling of conflicting considerations.
The arrival to Hyd was beautiful; the sun was setting across the Hussain Sagar Lake….parallels….the advent of the hidden pearl in my life. The calmness of the city and the historical whispers were interesting.
Anyways the challenges at work place seem to be coming through. I kind of like the energy of the office and the only goal is going back to Mumbai would be optimum self motivation. Going back to the field was equally good! People!!!!! Anyways I have to thank my colleague for the best south Indian lunch since the time I came back from B’s place. Met with this really really old neighbor. Years have flown in between but he still manages to irritate me as much. But the change of the worldview was a welcome change and I did let my confusions out for a while. And to my surprise sweetheart stories also saw the light of the night; I did not even know it existed!
Beyond the materialistic challenges the quirk conversation of life and afterlife was rather interesting that set me thinking, ‘what if the edge gives in and I fall into the deep blue sea?’ but the risk, love, lust, and excavating what is beyond the horizon, all of this appetite is the biggest drive….waiting to see how the future unfolds. And thus I hit the dance floor to let loose….

14TH Sept.2006
02:45 hrs.