Yes this post is very reactionary in nature,like a pressure cooker being pressurized to the point that its almost bursting. What I see myself writing is directly proportional to three seasons of watching
Sex and the city for two nights and one day;like I was starving for approval about emotional, sexual and intellectual confusions. And by the end of it I feel a lot better about myself and the idiosyncrasies that I have. And yes, I am not a dying species. There are people out there who struggle with the same questions as I do and maybe they are way forward than I am because the show started somewhere in the 90s.
The show deals with lives of four independent women living in New York and their relationship tales. And trust me, I am not the only sucker for deconstructing every relationship at every possible opportunity. Also to add, I have come in terms with the fact that all that’s beautiful is not supposed to stay forever, and one does not have to forget to forgive! It is absolutely normal not wanting to get married and at the same time craving for it when the whole world is heading to the isle. It is ok to be judgmental but it is important to know when to let go of ones boundaries.
I guess over the past few days it was quite marvelous to have come in face to face to my secrets and getting all the skeletons out of the closet. As it is important for me to have the good professional impression, I have never cared about what the world thought of me and that’s ok. Most importantly I am/have been cheap and shallow at times. So what….I am human.
Every other moment I find grappling with my logical self, intellectual self, sexual self and emotional self and that is ok. The fact that they are raging against one another is ok. It is not important to know when it is right and when is it not right in a relationship all the time. Its ok to make mistakes, and maybe repeat them but I am glad I am not denying it to myself anymore.
I must confess with most of the friends around getting married and having babies it is quite difficult to not be a part of and ask myself what’s wrong with them but at the same time loving every minute of the wedding bells and pregnant buddies! Of course the question also is pointed at me and mostly people think I would be the late marriage kinds (btw if one is getting married post 30-for a woman it is late as per Indian Junta standards!!!) but the fact that I am still trying to accept marriage as an institution I better start telling the world that it is a mammoth task!
As much as life is what happens to you when you are 15 and trying to learn watching stars and this perfect guy tells you that your eyes speak even when its dark and you never acknowledging the relationship coz you are never supposed to have an affair (that’s coz it’s a girly thing to do) and life happens when you ransack a rockstar’s folder to find obscure lyrics and plunge into a passionate romance and then life also happens to you when you are trying to find space in a pub and a sweet guy tells you his wine secrets and you discover that maybe a lifetime together is not such a bad idea, maybe you could live together with someone and not feel claustrophobic 90% of the time…..but all of this need not be constants. As seasons keep changing, so do people and emotions.
Maybe there are no right guys, right answers, right moments and all you have to do is to speak your heart and have no fear even if it is echoing the most illogical thing.
The 25th year of my life has been rather very interesting considering I have learnt so much about myself and have finally kinda made up my mind. I am ok with the fact now that I cannot do a routine 9-5 job and consider that to be settled, I am not the kind who understands money, I am not the kind who can stop desperately hoping that there is something interesting happening in everyones life and they need to realize it, I am not the kind who has the speech prepared for the red carpet. But as of now I am happy to have taken this break where I did nothing but read, write and watch films. I was happy to be home, doing patchwork on the quilt. I am trying to overcome the fear of being alone, I mean not having activity to do all the time! I am getting comfortable with the fact that I can be very unpredictable to myself that I can also survive without a support system (But that I need to know my support system is there!). And that all of us have secrets to ourselves and even if they are bloody painful it is an experience of a lifetime.
I am happy to have decided to study a little more and comfortable to have come to terms with the fact that I am not financially independent yet.
I was quite disturbed with illicit affair between friends and they cheating on other things in life but then over a coupla months I realized that there are too many roads, too many detours and a lot of people may not have had the opportunity to not do it coz it was not right. Now when they are faced with so many choices it is perfectly normal to have made mistakes, or maybe they are not mistakes at all. It is an expression of liberation, of letting go of the Right! There are perhaps no shoulds, woulds, coulds. In real life when you fall down, you get up, buckle the shoes and walk again.
In my little world, the few people I live with, I have had a transformation in relationships with them because of priorities, family, marriage, relationships…blahblahblah. But now I am not scared to lose them. Though around me I obviously could not think of more than two guy friends who would remain single when I would be 35, and it could lead to serious crisis then but that’s too far away. I am just twenty-five. I falter between wearing the heart on my sleeves and letting the same heart beat to the rhythm of this one special guy, I often get a funny feeling about being with someone for like 2 years and at the same time enjoying the seemingly single status. Not to mention the few tears shed over how pathetic it can feel if someone x,y,z tries to push me through the wall coz I sometimes also enjoy being seemingly single! But one has to realize that there are walls one can push and some you just cannot.
Just yesterday me and this special friend were discussing as to how well we have done this time in the long distance mode, we have had tiffs but no serious fights! But I know that those end of the deal kinda fights with everyone has brought me very close to people. As of what I have experienced there is lotz to cherish even if in some love-hate relationships you end up expressing your adulation to that slightly special and yet not special person through these passionate fights.
But unlike an IPL (Indian Premier League) series where you fight against your own mate, fighting in relationships does not have the umpire and that often leads to fouls and hitting below the belt. Consequently one of the two is usually hurt much more. But as I look back just to my fights with x,y,xy I cant help but wonder what were we fighting for?
As of now I want to bask in the path traveled towards self actualization.
At the end of the day I am glad that I can still come back to my family after months of raging war and not even tell them how special it feels to have them in my life.
It brings a smile on my face to think of a few friends who just make me feel secure in my world just by giving me the warmth that they know me.
I can’t expect to get everything from one man as much as I cannot give it all myself but be comfortable with getting different things from different people because that’s what is called being Alive!
